Are We Forbidden? (Boy X Boy)

One Last Session

James's P.O.V

I was typing on my laptop about my sessions with Al when my phone rang. It was an unknown number. Most people wouldn't answer an unknown number but my phone number's public because of my work so I had to answer it. Al hasn't arrived yet so it was fine. "Dr. Alfeor speaking." I was surprised to hear the voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey James, how are you?" It was him. This man who I thought meant the world to me. It had been four years since we broke up. Immediately after hearing his voice, I felt anger and disappointment. There was no more love or pain to be found in my voice.

"What do you want?" I asked bitterly.

"Aw, come on James. You don't have to be so cold to me. You don't hate me now do you?" His voice was playful still. He hadn't changed at all.

"Sorry, but last I remember, you were the one who was playing around. Did you really expect me not to hate you?" Wait, what was I saying? I would've never said that. Not to him. I always thought I'd be begging for him to come back. This was new to me. Oddly enough, it was satisfying to finally let some steam out about what he did. " If you don't have anything important to tell me then don't call me ever again."I hung up the phone and looked at it. I was surprised with myself. How in the hell was I able to do that? Have I actually moved on from the pain that he caused me? 

I looked at the clock. I had five more minutes to compose myself before Al would come knocking on my office door. 'You'll be fine' I thought to myself. This was the only way. I did a couple of breathing exercises to help me calm down. Soon enough, there was a knock on the door. "Come in."

Al entered my office in his usual outfit. I caught myself checking him out again. There was a lot of black happening though. Black hoodie, black pants, shoes, even the shirt he was wearing underneath was black. This kid was just the personification of being goth. But he looked like a dark and lonely prince to me. There was nothing wrong that I could see from him. He was clearly in pain when we started and I hope I was able to take that pain away from him. 

I started to feel myself heat up as I continued to look at him. It felt like I was looking at him for so long. I had to look at the clock to make sure I wasn't. Less than a minute had passed. Good. I got his records and checked my laptop, sighing. I was nervous my voice would tremble but I had to keep it straight with him. He doesn't have to know how I feel. I turned around and sat down across from him, trying my best to give him a reassuring smile. 

"So Al, I think you'll be happy to know that this would be the last time you're going to see me."

There. I said it. I forced myself to keep my eyes on him. But, what kind of reaction was that? Shouldn't he be thrilled that I was giving him the O.K? Why was Al looking at me with those eyes. Those eyes that screamed at me with loneliness. I saw him mentally preparing himself to stay calm and smile. 

"Well, I'm glad to hear that you think I'm better. It would be nice to make this last hour to be a memorable one." His smile made me feel guilty. Why? Was it the way I said it? 

"Of course." I answered. 

"If I think about it, you've really done a great job. You're amazing James." Don't say that. I'm not that amazing. I could tell that Al was trying to keep up his cheerful spirit. 

"Thank you. There wouldn't be a point in me becoming a psych if I had no good results to show."

We started our session on a lighter note, riding along the roller coaster of our emotions through out our therapy session. It was so nice to talk to him and I didn't want it to end. As the minutes passed by I noticed that Al had lightened up a bit more, seemingly unbothered by what I had said earlier. He looked a lot happier and in the moment, most likely enjoying the talk that we were having as much as I was. 

When I realized what Al might have been feeling, I knew I couldn't let him leave without letting him know. This was the last time he'll see me anyway so I guess there wouldn't be that much damage to telling him how I felt? But what if he gets weirded out by it? Talking to him felt like I was talking to my best friend. I'm the one who always told him to tell me what he felt, so shouldn't I do what I tell him how I feel? I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite...

I looked at the clock and noticed that our time was up. I saw Al looking at the time as well. My eyes went to observe his face. His eyes had so much emotion in them. There was something bittersweet about the way he watched the clock ticking. For a minute, neither of us talked.

I had to break the silence. As much as I wanted to keep him in the same room with me, our time was up. "Well that was-"

"Hey James why do you dress like that?"

"Huh?" I looked down on my clothes. I was wearing jeans, a simple v-neck shirt, casual blazer, and my shoes were a pair of black slip-ons. "Ah. I prefer comfort over style. It's not like I have that much formal wear with me anyway."

"Really? Interesting." Al smiled at me. His smile gave me heartache. It almost felt like I was making the wrong choice by cutting off my only connection to him. After this, I was going to retire from the psychiatric practice and try out something new. I'd sell the office and change my number. I wanted to start fresh again.

"I wouldn't say it's that interesting. I am a lot younger than most psychs out there." I forced out a small laugh so I wouldn't cry.

"That is true. You must've been really young to be a doctor at your age." Al kept complimenting me. I knew what he was doing now. He was trying to stall leaving. And it hurt so bad that he was trying harder than I was when he probably didn't feel the same way I did.

"Let's just say people were expecting a lot from me." I had to stand up. I held my hand out and smiled as cheerfully as I could at Al. "It's been a pleasure to help you out Al." 

Al smiled at me and stood up, taking my hand in his. His hand felt so soft. I wanted to hold his hand a little longer. "Thank you so much doctor." He headed for the door and I followed behind. I was tempted to reach for his back and hug him, and it was so hard to resist.

"Will I be able to see you again?" Al asked me just as he stepped out the door.

"Ah, about that. I doubt it. I'll most likely be too busy to open up again for the next few months."

Al nodded. I could tell that he wasn't happy about that. "Well I guess I'll see you around."

"I hope so..." 

Al started walking away and I was left staring at his back. His shoulders were hunched and he wore the hood of his hoodie over his head. It felt like watching a sad movie to watch him leave in the manner that he was leaving in. I could hear a voice inside my head. Tell him! I wanted to ignore that voice but it was screaming. Tell him!!! When Al was about to turn the corner and be out of sight for good, I couldn't help but listen to the voice. TELL HIM!!!

"Hey Al!" I shouted out his name, my voice trembling. I could feel my face heating up again and the tears swelling. Al had stopped walking and quickly looked back, obviously excited that I had called him. 

"I like you."

As quickly as I had called him, I shut the door behind me and cried.

I should have never done that.