my book of regrets // rants

a new rule

to start taking care of my own damn self. not my friends, not worrying about what they say about me behind my back.

no more being self conscious, time to be self aware.

I break my own fucking neck for my friends. I buy them things, I give them my attention and time and 95% of them wont even give me validation that the feeling is mutual. some of them ignore me and then mention me in a negative way behind my back.

I'm getting more mature about things, and being mature doesn't mean sitting in my room at night and crying about my "friends" saying things about me that aren't in the nicest manner. it needs to stop. it's not good for me.

I feel like I've gone through this stage of having these fake friends before but now I'm just more aware of the things I do. I know that every time it happens I sit and think about what I did wrong.

but I'm not thinking about them anymore. I'm going to become the best me I could ever fucking be. and not for them, for myself.

it's about time I filter out all the bullshit and find my place. because I can't go on like this anymore. I may have to do it again every once and a while, but that's always going to happen throughout life. I'm just glad I finally know what to do about it.

I need to think about me. how I'm feeling, what's making me sad or happy, what can fix it. I need to stop every once and a while and think about how I'm doing.

I need to think about what I say and who I say it to. am I saying something that I'm fine with saying? am I saying it to the wrong person?

I need to find those people that I know I can talk to, no matter the circumstance with other people. am I being judged by that person, do I feel like I have to be careful about how I say something?

this is all around a personal reminder for myself, but I know there's people out there who go through the same thing. with self doubt and being with the wrong people, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of yourself before anybody else. it doesn't make you conceited or a narcissist. it just makes you a healthy person. and really, that's all I want for myself, is to be happy and healthy.