my book of regrets // rants

losing connection with the music that started it all + juggling

having friends that don't like the same music as me and having the fear of being judged by the "emo" stereotype has pulled me from listening to the music that brought me here.

I still love twenty one pilots and panic and fob but I've been so attracted to rap and hip hop and whatever is popular. I do actually like some of that music dont get me wrong; I can listen to anything that's catchy or has a good melody or whatever.

I feel like it's growing out of a phase I guess. I look and dress different from when I used to. then again I've had a lot of growing up to do these past years.

wether I choose to focus on sports or academics or arts is my choice. I would love to thrive with all three but my brain can barely handle one. maybe, as cheesy as it sounds, that will be my new years resolution.

if in some way I succeeded to focus all of my brain on school and sports and music and writing, I think I would be very happy with myself when I reflect on it, but I would also probably go insane from exhaustion.

I would love to be like that though. to continue to succeed in volleyball, maintain a 4.0, and be able to go home and write and practice my uke and guitar and then go to bed maybe listening to more music and watch some netflix before.

that would be amazing but somehow I feel like I would still not be satisfied. I would most likely still struggle with my body and my parents and my friends.

now I go to school to get an A/B student reward and copy my homework from an answers website because I'm too tired to actually do and understand the work, then lay in bed and distract myself with music or netflix with the occasional uke and mediocre (and sure to not advance) guitar playing.

I'm not really sad about it, though. I just feel like I could do better. and maybe I'll try after this new year begins. (but maybe a little after february 14th where I plan to have an emotional breakdown in the pit of a twenty one pilots concert because "josh dun- that beautiful man-hes fucking real-")