I Need To Change

Chapter 78

I've never came across a person who made as many mistakes in life as me. I mean ever. Every time I looked up I was doing something wrong. I just continued to have fuck up after fuck up. I continued to do dumb shit and I honestly couldn't even tell you why. I just kept fucking up and I had got to the point where it was no fixing this fuck up. I had truly dug myself into a hole I couldn't get out.

It had been a little over a week since that night with Chres and I honestly was still stuck. Stuck in my feelings on what I had done. I couldn't believe that I had fell for his bullshit. That in just a few seconds I allowed him to sway me over. I was just caught in the moment and my emotions had got me. Just being in that room with him and having all those emotions coming on to me all at once had got me. It truly did. Being face to face with him after lord knows how long had my feelings at an all time high. I hated his ass so much, but at the same time I missed him. I missed him when I shouldn't have been.

I feel like Chres knew what he was doing too. He knew his motive when he came into my room and I am mad at myself that I fell for it. I allowed Chres to trap me in that moment and I fucked up. I fucked up so bad and I knew it. I should've never slept with Chres. That didn't help our situation. That didn't make me feel any better. That didn't change my mind. They didn't even make me want him anymore. If anything it just made things weird. It confused him and I wish I wouldn't have fell for his trap.

I felt like literal shit the moment Chres left my room that night. I literally felt so pathetic. Right after hours of angry, emotional sex with Chres, my mind immediately went to Jacob and I mean immediately. I know that's kind of weird and crazy, but it did. It went to Jacob because I knew how wrong I was. I knew what I had just done was wrong. I knew I shouldn't have slept with Chres. Not only was sleeping with him no good for myself, but I was also hurting someone I loved so much in the process. I was fucking up something that hadn't even truly started.

Lord was I a mess. I had been a mess since that night. I literally feel so wrong. Every time Jake came to my mind I sighed because I knew I was wrong. Even though Jake and I weren't in an official relationship, I still knew better than to go sleep with Chres. What made the situation even worse was that it was Chres. My ex who I couldn't quite get over. How could I be so damn dumb?

I just didn't know how I was going to tell Jacob this. I didn't even know how I was going to face him. Whenever he had a chance to talk on the phone I was telling him I was busy. Whenever he wanted to FaceTime I wasn't answering, making up an excuse as to why I didn't. I just didn't have it in me to talk to him yet. I knew I would have to tell him and I wasn't ready to. I honestly didn't know if I could. I felt terrible. Even though we weren't together I knew better than to be doing him like that.With no doubt in my mind I loved Jacob and I knew he was put into my life because he is who I am meant to be with. I just was just still stuck on someone who was toxic to me.

I sighed to myself, leaving the court as the paparazzi were trying to swarm me. They had all those damn cameras in my face as they asked me a thousand questiones. I just dodged them all, hopping in my truck and driving off.

I was so over this process at this point. I felt like I was going to court every week and I was over it. Ontop of that, they weren't saying anything I wanted to hear. Even though my attorney presented so much evidence in court that could help me, the jury and judge wasn't really caring about it. All they saw is that poor girl's face and my recent behavior. They just had their mind set on me and I knew the outcome of the situation wouldn't be anything I liked. I literally had one more court day which would tell me what I am convicted of. I was nervous as hell about it and you could probably tell. I looked stressed.