I Need To Change

Chapter 70

Was it stupid that I still had my mind on that boy? Was I stupid for still allowing him to have this control over me? Was I stupid to still be stuck on him? Was I stupid for still loving him?

No matter how many days or weeks that passed, I still remained thinking about Chres and trying to fix my broken heart. I still remained questioning where I went wrong and where we went wrong at. I still remained hurt and honestly trying to figure out how I could ease that hurt. I think most of my hurt came from the fact that I still did loved him, but I knew I couldn't have him. I knew there was no way in hell I could go back to him. Yes, I was still in love with him without a doubt in my mind, but I knew I couldn't take him back. I couldn't do that to myself. I promised myself I wouldn't put up with any more bullshit from any man and I meant that. No matter how much it hurt to move on from Chres, I knew I had to. I knew I had do better for myself. I had to move on from him, but I knew it was going to be a long, hard process.

A few weeks had passed at this point and nothing felt like it had changed. The tension was still high in the air, I was still in my feelings and life was still shitty as hell. I can say I was over the whole hurt and embarrassment at this point though. I was passed that. If I seen a post or comment about Chres, I wouldn't feel that pain in my chest like I felt in the beginning. If people questioned me about that situation I wouldn't feel the need to immediately cave in that moment. I was no longer crying every damn night or trapping myself in that bedroom. I was no longer emotional. The only emotion I felt at this time is anger.

After that day I fought Bre and Bahja, I swear everyone stayed out of my way. No one said a thing to me or even looked at me when I passed them. None of them. Not Zonnique or her girls, Daniel or any of the guys. It was almost like they were scared. They were scared of the new Dani that was forming. They were scared of what I was capable of doing. They were scared of me. That wasn't what I was trying to do at all. I wasn't trying to have anyone scared of me. I was just fed up. I was fed up and I was showing it. Everyone just wasn't expecting that, that's all. They were used to me popping off once I've taken so much, but this new Dani wasn't like that. She was popping off the moment she wasn't feeling something. She was popping off whenever the hell she wanted to, not thinking twice about it.

I pulled my cup full of Hennessy and coke from my face, placing my cup back down on the table beside me. Here I was sitting on my balcony, vibing to my music as I tried to drink the pain away. I had been trapped in the house for weeks and desperately needed some sun. I didn't want to go out though, so I decided to catch some on my balcony. I had been sitting out there for hours with Bronx while talking to my mom on the phone.

Things with my family had been still a hassle as well. My mom and dad was ofocurse still going through it and separated at the moment. They had somehow found away to work things out concerning Ny. They had to do that through my Nana though. My mama was not having it. She did not want to see or speak to my father and she made sure she didn't have to. Him on the other hand, he was trying his hardest to get to her anyway he could. Mama said he went as far as popping up at one of her events. Luckily she had notified the security bit to let him up, so he never got to see her. It had just been crazy as hell. I had told her about the voicemail he sent me. I had even went to her house and listened to it with her. We both had cried listening to it together. It was just sad hearing my father because I knew that wasn't him. I knew what he had done wasn't him. I knew he was truly going through something and had fucked up. Fucked up in a way that there wasn't any coming back from. I was just confused as hell as to how would life go. How would my mother, father and our family end up.

I heard my phone ring, catching my attention. I pulled my shades from my face, grabbing my phone. When I looked at it I seen it was Anthony calling me. I want even surprised from by this because he had been texting and calling me all that time, but I was ignoring him just like I was ignoring everyone else that was hitting my line. I finally decided to come around and hit him back because he honestly was acting as if he cared. He acted as if he was really concerned for me and I felt bad for ignoring him.