Broken (Completed and editing)

Until I heal, goodbye

You asked.
"What is the scariest part?"
I answered.
"The scariest part is not the feeling of loneliness or the darkness that fills you despite the looming pain of emptiness.
The scariest part is the realisation that you've lost yourself completely. Sinking in as you lay awake at 2am because you lost the ability to sleep and cannot even cry because you do not even care anymore. You just want it to end because the pain is so immense that you cannot even begin to comprehend, how to start living again."

Aaron's POV:-

Dear Aaron,

You know what truly aches all that I am? Having so much inside me and not having the slightest clue on how to pour it all out.

I am at a point where making some coherence to my thoughts is only leading me to one decision. One place. It constantly keeps propelling me to leave everything behind and never look back again.

My inability to tell you how terribly sick I felt when I learned the truth, how dejected I felt when you left me so vulnerable-that I was absolutely immobile, to even try to save myself-puts me to despair.

You were my home Aaron.

I loved you from the moment you first came to my house. The moment you asked me to hold your hand while you attended to the wound on my back. The moment you decided to look after me. The moment you stayed with me when I was all alone in an empty neighborhood, in an empty house. And you knew it, you knew it all along.

But you never loved me. You never did and I have this feeling, a despair that you never will love me. Daydreaming proved to be a dangerous thing for me, because it had made me wish for things I could not have. You were a daydream.

Being nine years old I lost my mother and maybe her absence wouldn't have made my desperation of having her with me so bad, if dad did not leave me. I didn't see him for 2 months after mom died. The only time I needed him to hold me to his chest and tell me that he was my anchor. He left me and it was okay in that moment because I was a kid. And all I knew was that he lost mom.

I don't want sympathy, never did. All I wanted was to receive the love I had given. I wanted safe arms around me. Your arms. Was it too much to ask? Even for a millisecond you spent with me did you never love me?

My whole life has been a series of people turning their backs on me. People leaving me when I need them most. Mom, dad, Jake, even Keith and now, you. Even being around people, it felt like a solitary confinement for me because they were and are forced to be around me.

Brenda had to send James to boarding, because she was devoted to her job way too much even though dad never objected him living in the mansion, but Bren never wanted to take advantage of our resources. I wonder if she even ever killed a fly. Tell her I love her like my mother and I am sorry if I ever hurt her.

After boarding James went to college, leaving again and then marines. He was too good of a son and Brenda, too good an employee.

To this day I have lived knowing it was because of my vulnerability and impuissance-to put my foot down-why Bren had no choice but to send James to boarding.

Maybe thats why I never could bring my father back from the confines of his grief. Even living at the mansion I was always dejected. I just could not accept that my father saw my mother in me and that is why he stayed away. And I knew that was the reason, just didn't accept it.

My mothers death didn't leave me like that, it was always my fathers absence and his decisions that have ruined me.

Maybe it's time I turned my back. Maybe it's time I find people who really value my presence. Those who will not leave wounds on my heart.