Only You (Matty Healy/George Daniel)

28: It's Okay

Opening his eyes seems impossibly difficult for Matty the following morning, almost as if he has to drag himself through layers of unconsciousness composed of granite that are pressing down around him heavily, refusing to relent even though he needs to move since the position he's gotten himself into isn't all that comfortable.

Matty's tempted to allow sleep to overtake him again, that way he won't have to face anyone for that much longer, but his mind is already churning away rapidly in a manner that Matty knows won't let him drift back off again any time soon, so he forces his lids to open with a weary sigh that starts from the bottom of his toes before making its way out of his lips.

Matty's vision is instantly filled with colored skin that he belatedly recognizes as George's arm which he's apparently been using as a pillow. George is pressed against him from chest to thigh, and although a part of Matty loves the security he finds in his warm embrace, the larger half of him is wracked with another wave of guilt that leaves his eyes damp and stinging.

Matty bites his lip roughly as George shifts in his sleep, trying to ascertain if he can escape before he has another breakdown like the embarrassing scene he was the unwitting star of last night.

Matty hates himself for putting George through that, for being the person that he is, but it had all become too much for him and he'd snapped at the worst possible moment.

It wasn't anything that George had done - of course not, in fact, he'd been perfect, maybe even too much so.

Matty doesn't deserve someone like George in his life, but at the same time, he needs him. Finally having sex with George had been more than Matty could ever have imagined. It was earth-shattering, as cliché as it sounds, but it had also left Matty shaken to his very core.

Last night had only punctuated how awful of a friend Matty is, because George was - is so lovely, so caring. He'd been incredibly gentle with Matty even as he was tearing him apart, and as soon as they had finished, Matty had been buried under the weight of his lies that George is still blissfully unaware of.

Crossing that barrier with George had only reminded him of how much he hides from him, and in typical Matty fashion, he'd become so overwhelmed he'd devolved into sobs that had ruined what had otherwise been a perfect evening.

Matty can't go on like this for much longer, not with how intense things had gotten between them last night. He'd felt as if George had stripped him raw, as if they were connected on a level that transcends any sex he's been a part of, and as incredible as that sensation was, it was also terrifying, leaving Matty exposed and lost once it was all over.

Maybe things would be different if Matty was someone else - someone better, if he didn't deceive George at every turn, if he was worthy of that sort of adoration and care from another person, but he's not.

His descent back into his addictions has proven that to himself, and he refuses to allow anyone else to see how truly abysmal he is underneath the surface, especially not George.

Matty can't ruin things which George, which is contrary to his actions that seem dead set on doing just that.

George understood his attraction to cocaine before, but Matty had never hidden anything from him then - fuck, Matty can't remember the last time he's lied to George, and he knows if he finds out that he's been snorting up behind his back, George will hate him, he'd be an idiot not to. Matty already despises himself for it, but he can't seem to stop.

Matty's fucked now, well and truly trapped by the lure of cocaine. He can barely make it until their next hotel night to get his hands on more, which had inspired him to buy an eight ball from his last hookup which he still has with him hidden away in his things.