Only You (Matty Healy/George Daniel)

22: Fall Back

They've got about an hour until they're due on, maybe more. Matty's lost track of time already, but he's convinced that he's going to have a breakdown before he makes it to the stage.

He doesn't know what's wrong with him, well - he does, it's his cravings. They're getting worse, not better like he had hoped, and although he's steadfastly ignored them so far, that's getting harder to do with each day that passes.

Matty feels especially awful today for some reason. He's not really sure why, but the second he'd stepped off the bus, the urge to find a line before soundcheck had hit him so hard it had him stumbling as he headed into the venue.

It's almost as bad as when he originally decided to quit the heavier stuff although not quite as abysmal. Matty remembers how he was convinced that he was dying the first few days of his detox, but it's close, and back then he had George and Gemma with him constantly, doing everything they could to ease his discomfort, but now he's too stubborn to admit he needs help again, leaving him to tough this out alone which he's never been very good at.

Matty's doing everything he can think of in order to keep himself occupied, and it's not like he could slip off now anyway. He doesn't have any cocaine on him, and yes - he could probably find some if he looked hard enough, but he's not ready to give in, not now when he's gone so long without.

Sometimes Matty wonders why he's forcing himself to stay clean, because he hasn't promised anyone to do so except maybe himself. Deep down, Matty knows the real reason is George, and at one time Gemma. Their worry and concern for him allowed Matty to view his destructive behavior in a different light, and he realized that no matter how invincible he feels, risking it all for a quick high isn't worth it - or it wasn't at least, now Matty's not quite so sure.

"Sit down mate," Adam sighs when Matty nearly trips over his stretched out feet during one of his random bouts of pacing that he took up a few minutes ago, hoping that the pointless activity would distract his thoughts from their current path, but he's having no such luck in that endeavor.

"Fine," Matty snaps, throwing himself across the sofa bodily, smiling against the cushions when a harsh grunt leaves Adam lips caused by the fact that Matty's flung his legs over his stomach in doing so.

Matty still hasn't forgiven either Adam or Ross for outing him earlier, although he was pleasantly surprised by how they had failed to make any noise about his newfound interest in blokes. They didn't seem at all concerned with it one way or the other actually, not that Matty thought they would be, but he is grateful for their acceptance, if not their habit of exposing what he would rather keep to himself.

"Fuck you," Adam whines, shoving Matty off of him until he's half on the floor, only his torso still elevated in its original position. "That hurt."

"Oh sod off, you're fine," Matty mumbles, rolling his eyes when Adam begins rubbing his lower half gingerly. "How much longer do we have to wait?" Matty asks when the room settles back into silence, craning his neck in an attempt to see the clock hanging behind him, but he only succeeds in giving himself a painful crick at the top of his spine.

"Forty-five minutes before they'll want us backstage," Ross answers without glancing up from his phone, ignoring the petulant sigh Matty lets out when he doesn't get the response he wants.

"I'm so bored," Matty groans, drumming out a random beat on the arm of the sofa with his fingers that sounds vaguely like the introduction to The City.

"We can tell," Adam remarks casually, nudging Matty gently when he throws an arm over his face dramatically, playing up his motions in a bid for more attention, because maybe if he keeps himself talking, he can drown out the voice in his head that's reminding him how much better shows were when the high that only cocaine gives him was fueling his voice and inspiring his movements.