" The movie making journey came to an end. The two months went by just as fast as the sun burn out from the sky in the evening. Week after week and day after day every single soul in the team, from acting to the lighting guys, bled and sweated to make the best film to the people who are waiting across the oceans. It was defiantly a crazy experience. Living two months with people I barley knew aside of Robert of course was greater than I thought it'd be. I created beautiful and unforgettable memories with every person during that period of time. From the group breakfasts in Scarlett's trailer to the late dinners we had every weekend in Robert's room. From the jokes and laughter on the set to the rough and serious moments. The days that we got yelled at from Russo when we messed up important action pieces or when we escaped from the set to do a quick shopping in the city in the middle of the day. I will never forget the time Anthony dragged me to ride a crazy roller coaster in a theme park and laughed for days at the way I was grabbing Robert's arm so tightly that I left marks on it, or when he almost threw me in the lake on Disney sea. The time Sebastian almost cut my face open with a real paring knife practicing an action scene and that one day Robert and Jeremy pranked me by giving me a blueberry smoothie filled with hot sauce, I will never forget that one, never. Although it was one of the best times in my life and a childhood dream that came to reality, It can not be compared to the feelings I had with Robert on the first week. It's like comparing the moon to the sun.
My laughs in the mornings and the cries from the nights however didn't change. Two months. Sixty one days couldn't change a thing. Couldn't change how I feel about Robert. Couldn't the concept of me in his head, I'm still a " close friend and a little sister".
With every passing hour, my love got deeper, stronger and harder. It was beyond my control. Although he was with me all the time, making sure if I was okay, happy and healthy, calling me in the middle of a the night to talk about random things from shakespeare books to Santa Claus so the both of us can fall asleep faster, little did he know that these silly conversations meant the world to me, It wasn't enough. I still need him to be between my arms, to fill the hollow chest with his warmth, I still cry myself to sleep after he say goodnight.
In my dreams, he was there every night but dreams go to die in the morning and I wake up to reality in a lonely bed with not even his shadow around. It was hard, so hard. Words can not describe how much I tortured myself every day by forcing the feelings to remain inside. Chocking on the same four words whenever we talk. Every inch of my body screamed those words but my mouth will never let them out.
I Love you Robert.
Anyways, as I'm writing this note/diary or whatever, waiting for my plane to land in LAX. Robert is somewhere in Malibu with some hot chick that he likes I guess. He left Tokyo two days ago due to his schedule leaving me breathless like always. He didn't call nor text, which made it worse on me. I wonder how many times I passed through his mind or has he forgotten about me already? Now that we finished the movie, there will be space and distance between us, not a 5 floors that used to separate the two of us. But I'd give anything just to stay next to him even though it is killing me, I'm a hostage to this tragedy and great suffering and I'm never gonna let go of him.
M.M Joseph. "
I closed the note app and threw my phone on the empty chair in front of me. I don't write diaries or empty my head by writing down simple words like that, I usually empty it by writing songs but I reckon I did it to kill the time since no one was talking to me. I was all alone in my jet, just me and the pilots, no assistant, no friend, no Robert. And of course, I can't sleep during the flight, Robert wasn't there to make me feel safe so the flight will definitely suck.
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Fix My Heart ( A Robert Downey Jr. Fanfic )
Fanfiction*Completed* - Do you do this? Do you kill yourself slowly by keeping gray clouds of thoughts and feelings live inside you? Do you torture yourself by falling for someone that has no desire to be yours but you keep on doing it anyways? Because I do...
