As a reader, there are things I will judge heavily (and not so heavily) when deciding what to read.
Writer Profile
Cover
Blurb
Any parts in your book that occur before the first chapter
The first chapter is a make it or break it for me...
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First Chapter:
Overall appearance
Nothing stands out as bad.
Breakdown
Tidy. Quickly describes the atmosphere without making me feel like I'm being bombarded with detail. Not subtle, but not overwhelming either.
Liquid exploded in my mouth made me immediately think sperm. Just sayin.
She worn that dress for a reason. Next sentence states she doesn't know what that reason is. I'd clean this up so it doesn't feel confusing. 'The emald sequin skin I war hadn't been up for negotiation.' Or something to that effect.
Spelling and punctuation
I have a scene where they use earpieces and italicizes to show he wasn't there. Just a thought.
You are using comma's without following the dialog with tags.
Dialog tags=comma
Character thought, description, action, etc= period.
Separate your paragraphs more.
Likability
I imagine when the paragraphs are separated more, it's enjoyable. Right now it's hard to tell. You jump right into the action of the story, which is great, but there are some flaws holding you back.
The big thing that isn't likable is all the smirking. Your characters smirk five times in one chapter. This is the least likable expression by readers these days. I actually cringe when I see it in an excerpt in a blurb. I would find ways to describe this smile without using this generic expression.
Final Grade and final thoughts
Sometimes you follow the rules with punctuation and capitalization and sometimes you don't. It detracts a bit from the story, but not as much as those issues usually do.
The writing itself is actually really good. Good description. Good dialog. It just needs to be shined up. After that, this could be an easy A.
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