Tumblr Fangirl turned YouTuber Girlfriend?!

10th

Now that I'm about to graduate from university, what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life?

Most of the first half of 2016 passed by in a blur to me. My undergraduate was drawing to an end this year and I had poured everything I had into it. I loved studying business a lot and university life suited me well.

Between studying like a mad woman, hanging out with friends or spending time with Emma, I wasn't sure when I managed to breathe.

My Tumblr had gone insane over this past year after I became friends with Abbey and began dating Emma. I wanted to go on there to chill, have my own little personal space and chat with my mutuals and I refused to let anything, like rise in popularity, take that part away from me.

I had gotten hate messages before, due to being  a noticeable fan in the YouTuber fandom but it had gone quite insane after the start of this year. I eventually had to turn off the ability to message me on anon, which helped a bit but it still broke my heart to do so.

Thus, Tumblr became a bit of an odd place for me to be, which was very unsettling because it was always the place I turned to when I needed support and to talk about something. I still used it but it was with restrictions most of the time and I hated it. I didn't care that my following had tripled over the last year.

Emma became my rock though. I started to turn to her more and it did bring us closer so mainly I didn't mind too much about Tumblr. Tumblr had always been a very chill place, compared to other social media but it felt a bit odd suddenly actually meeting people I had fangirled over for ages and created too many GIFs of.

Emma was just as bad as me and we'd act all cool when we met YouTubers that we had both watched regularly for years only to fangirl hard-core the moment we were alone. I had always aimed never to put them on a pedestal and I strived to keep this up. It became easier when you saw them in their down-time, off camera and relaxed.

My life seemed to revolve around uni and YouTube, in turns. I had appeared in more of Emma's videos and it hadn't gone unnoticed that people urged me to get my own channel. I wasn't too keen on that.

I actually had a YouTube channel but it was filled with edits rather than videos with me. I liked it that way. I liked a chill evening in; making GIFs look pretty before uploading them on Tumblr.

It was a different type of work than heavy academic papers and theories that you had to read three times to understand properly. It was a nice break and it felt like two worlds clashing sometimes.

I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I had no fucking clue. Hence, why I didn't spend any time thinking about it as it thoroughly stressed me out if I so much as tried to look at job applications for my life post-university.

I would also have to move out of my accommodation and I wasn't looking forward to try and find a place in London that I could actually afford. I knew Emma would let me crash at her place if it came to that and had even joked about moving in, but it was too soon for that.

I wasn't sure if we would survive that, not yet after having been together for less than a year. I knew it had working out great for Abbey and Nate but we weren't like them. They had essentially been joined at the hip since they got together (but don't tell them that – they'll both deny it).

Emma had come to my accommodation one day and practically dragged me out of my room, which I had been huddled up in for a couple of days while working on a big and important assignment. I was done with the first rough draft and that was the only reason I let her pull me away from my studies. Well, that and my brain felt like mush after re-reading chapters and notes and coming up with my own conclusion based on the material.

"It's not like you to want to go for a walk," I muttered and nudged Emma with my arm.

She was looking utterly gorgeous, as always, in a flowy summer dress and sporting the biggest smile. We had texted a bit but I realised that we hadn't seen each other for about a week and guilt curled into my stomach.

"Abbey suggested it," Emma said and shrugged. "I told her that you hadn't left your room for days and she practically ordered me to march over here and drag you on a walk, or she'd come do it herself."

"Bullocks! Why did you come then? I would much rather have seen her," I lied and earned a disgruntled look on Emma's face that instantly made me burst into laughter. When was the last time I had laughed? I got so sucked into my studies I couldn't even remember.

"I'm kidding," I whispered softly and snuck an arm around her waist and pressed a light kiss to her cheek. I wasn't much for public display of affection but I needed to reassure her.

"You're very similar to my sister when it comes to your work. You delve into it wholeheartedly and the rest of the world be damned. However, you need to be careful. Remember how Abbey passed out? I don't want that to happen to you too."

"It won't," I said and hugged her a little tighter.

She was right about me and Abbey, of course. We also shared a worry about what our futures would hold, at least last year we did. This year with the launch of her channel, it seemed Abbey was finally finding her direction while I was just as lost as before.

"She told me that fresh air is essential, which is why I'm dragging you along to this walk around campus," Emma said.

Had I not been sleep deprived, I might feel slightly annoyed at some of the glances thrown our way by my fellow university students. I wondered if some of them came to the assuming that we were "best friends goals" walking like this or if they labelled us as
Alesbians. I didn't particularly like either of those options. It erased so much of my identity.

"I don't know what to do after I graduate," I muttered under my breath but Emma narrowed her eyes as a clear indication that she had heard me.

"You still have a while to figure it out, right? You're set to finish with a 1st, which is so damn incredible – I'm sure the companies will stand in line to be able to hire you," Emma encouraged and laced our fingers.

"Maybe, but I don't know if I want to work in a big nondescript company. I don't know what I want to do with my life, Ems. I've always just gone with the flow, jumping from one thing to another when I felt like it but... It's like I'm jumping on tree trunks in a river and there's not a lot of trunks in front of me and the water is scary. There's the one path onto an office job and those trunks look sturdy but they don't seem appealing to me. I just don't want to get stuck or drown."

My breathing evened out after the last admittance. I knew I could talk to Emma about this but her situation had been different from mine. She hadn't spent nearly four years to get an undergraduate I wasn't even sure what would lead me to. She'd aimed to become and international model, only to have the dream shift to be a successful YouTuber. Her future was unsure as well but with a loyal following behind her, she had many more opportunities within her grasp.

"Maybe you just need to jump then," Emma said, her voice casual but caring as she squeezed my hand.

"Jump?" I chuckled. I had a habit of talking in metaphors and Emma always jumped on that but her additions didn't always make sense.

"Yeah," she said confidently. "You know just jump forward in the direction that's most appealing to you, tree trunks be damned. Just jump forward into the water. You know how to swim, right?"

This time I full on laughed and leaned my head on my lovely girlfriend's shoulder. I suppose I did know how to swim even if the water was rough and terrifying. I was never one to turn down a challenge, so maybe I should just jump. I just needed to figure out what I wanted to aim at.

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I've missed these two! I hope you liked this week's chapter. The struggle described in this one is one I still struggle with and it was cathartic to write it down. As always, thank you for reading.