The Definition of Time

Chapter 19

The cacophonous squeal of tires on a hot summer night
I push the pedal to the floor
Muscles taut
Mind racing faster than the car I'm driving
The rear view mirror shows him standing
Watching me leave
He waves mournfully, his hand a white flag
Surrendering himself to me
Yet I am not in need or want of such a captive.

"Flee" I whisper.
Flee.

July 31, 2014

I sprint into the hospital, and the odor of antiseptic slams into me. I remember bringing AJ to the hospital, seeing his lifeless body passed out on the floor. That can't happen to Grandpa.

I slam my hands onto the front desk of the Emergency Room. "Theodore Gilbert. Is he here?"

A nurse looks at me above a set of bifocals and scans a list. "Room 327B. Family only-"

I take off down the hallway until I find the room and throw the door open. Mom, Dad, Tommy, and Aunt Carin are gathered around a bed, and I feel guilt smother me. If I hadn't been so busy living in the moment with Collin, I would have been here.

"Is he okay?" I whisper as their eyes turn to me.

"I'm fine, Pipsqueak." His voice emerges from behind the hovering relatives. "They're all just fussing."

Relief floods me as I sprint to Grandpa's side. Oxygen tubes protrude from his nostrils and an IV is stuck in his arm, but there's a smile emerging between the wrinkles on his face.

"What happened?" I whisper, holding his withered, cold hand.

"He's alright, it was just a scare," Mom answers with a hard look. "Where were you?"

My guilt intensifies as I avoid her harsh glare. "Sorry. I came as soon as I got your messages." I look into Grandpa's foggy eyes. "How do you feel, Gramps?"

"Well, I've felt better," he says with a chuckle that transforms into a cough. "But I think the worst is over."

I don't have the heart to tell him how wrong he is. I know that this--the doctor's visit, the worry, the last-minute calls--has only just begun. The worst is yet to come.

~~~~~

"Hey, Collin," I say, curled up on a chair in the waiting room.

It's sometime around 2 A.M., and I've been ignoring his frantic texts ever since I got to the hospital. I don't know what to say to him--I have to keep my walls intact, so I can't tell him in.

"Rachel, are you alright? What's going on?" I can hear the tension in his voice through the phone.

"I'm fine. It was just a...a family thing. Sorry I had to skip out early on our date."

He sighs into the phone. "I was worried. I wish you'd tell me what's going on."

I squirm in my seat. This is my greatest fear with Collin--that he'll want to find his way into my heart. I won't let him. I refuse to let him in.

"I'm sorry." Awkward silence fills the static. "I gotta go. Call you tomorrow?"

"Right." He sighs and hangs up.

I pull my knees to my chest and rest my head on them. Everything is slipping out of control.

August 7, 2014

Our cars sit side by side in the empty parking lot of the park as dusk falls. Tomorrow morning at 7 A.M., Collin heads to Brooklyn for soccer preseason. This is goodbye, maybe for now, maybe forever. We lean side by side against his car, our fingers intertwined. His fingers are absently tracing my palms, and I can't help but ask myself if this is the last time I'll ever see him.