The Definition of Time

Chapter 42

If I knew how to love you
I would. 

If I knew how to pull you away from the cliff
I would. 
If I knew how to kill your demons for you
I would.
Sadly

You alone can defeat your demons

and I have my own to escape.

February 16, 2015

A few weeks have passed and little has changed. Gramps has recovered enough that they moved him out of the intensive care unit, but they don't think he'll leave the hospital again. It's only a matter of time.

I've returned to my daily routine: school, the Bee, and more school. Josh is not so distant as he was; we've begun to bridge the gap between us, but there is still so much left unsaid. Have his feelings changed? Is he willing to give us a shot? I have no idea, but I know that if he said the word, I would jump head first into the adventure that could be us. He says nothing, so I try not to hope, but I can't deny that seeing more of him fills my lungs with air that I didn't know I was craving.

The one problem I haven't yet faced is AJ. When he refused to drive me to the hospital, I knew he hadn't changed, that he was still as narcissistic and self-destructive as always. I've realized that our entire friendship has been him leaning of me, and me struggling to carry him. I thought he had learned to walk, but now I know that he has no desire to stand on his own two feet. I have tried again and again to save him, but I can't save someone who won't try to save themselves.

AJ has called and left me countless voicemails, most of them while inebriated, begging for my forgiveness. In the past, I would have felt guilty for not responding immediately, but he is not my weight to bear. The time has come, however, to face him. I wander to the stairwell of my dorm and press call.

"Rach, hey," AJ answers tentatively.

"Hey, AJ." I open my mouth to apologize, and then close it again. No regrets. "We need to talk."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Rach. I screwed up again."

Normally, I would say "that's okay" or "it happens," but not today. "Yeah, you did."

"I'm sorry." He pauses. "How's your grandpa?"

"AJ, we have to talk about this. You said you changed. You said things were different, but you're the same as you were before." Unbidden tears sting my eyes. 

AJ sighs. "I'm trying, I really am."

"That's not good enough any more," I say, trying to keep my voice calm.

"What?" I can hear the astonishment in AJ's voice. "What are you talking about?"

"AJ, friendship is supposed to be a two way street, but ever since we've known each other, I've been the one who takes care of you and supports you. I thought that after you went through therapy, I could trust you, and I could, for a while, but when I needed you, you let me down. You wouldn't help me. What kind of friendship is that?"

I catch my breath and feel my face burning hot. 

Finally, he says, "I...I really am sorry. I was kinda tipsy, and-"

"No! Just stop with the excuses already!" I shout. "I'm tired of hearing excuses for why you keep trying to destroy yourself and then expect me to save you. You know what change looks like, but you aren't even trying."

"I am trying, Rach." His voice strains.

"So am I. I can't..." I struggle for a moment to say the words that will forever annihilate our friendship. "I can't be that person for you any more. I need friends who I can depend on, and I can't trust you."