The Definition of Time

Chapter 23

there's an abyss inside of me
and your name just doesn't fill it any more. 

September 9, 2014

For a moment, Josh's eyes capture mine, and I see inside of him. I expected jealousy, perhaps, or maybe confusion, but I see neither. I see pain. Raw, burning, aching, consuming pain. Though Collin's arms are wrapped around me, Josh is all I can think of.

Collin feels me tense up and holds me away from him, hands on my shoulders. "What's wrong?"

I finally break Josh's gaze and look at Collin, offering him a halfhearted smile. "Uh, nothing."

I glance back to Josh and see him approaching us, the pain in his eyes now masked. It hurts more than I'll admit that he's hiding his pain from me. It hurts even more that I am the cause of it.

I pull away from Collin a little to turn and face Josh, but Collin keeps his arm wrapped around my waist. Usually his grasp feels protective rather than constraining, but I feel trapped as the two men who have been the focal points of all my inner turmoil face each other.

Josh stands in front of us now, and Collin is watching Josh curiously. Collin knows nothing of Josh; he is just another thing I've kept secret from the person I'm supposed to be dating.

"Hey, Rach," Josh says with an attempt at a smile.

"Uh, hey, Josh. Collin, this is Josh. We're...friends." I hesitate at the word. It so weakly conveys all that we have been, but I don't know what else to say. "We've known each other since the beginning of freshman year. Josh, this is Collin, my boyfriend."

I catch my breath and look between them as they size each other up. Finally, Collin extends a hand with a fabricated smile.

"Collin Savage. Nice to meet you."

They shake hands. "Josh Hunter."

"So you two have known each other since freshman year?" Collin asks.

I can't help but wonder if he's suspicious. He's never seemed the jealous sort, but then again, he's never seen me with Josh.

"Yeah," I answer, "We did a two week backpacking trip together before we started school."

"Just the two of you?" Collin asks, eyes igniting.

"No," Josh intercedes, "It was a whole group of freshmen. A sort of teambuilding introductory thing."

Collin nods nearly imperceptibly, and I feel his grip on my waist tighten.

"Well, uh, we should be going," I finally say. "We have reservations, right?"

Collin nods, "Yep. Don't want to be late for our date. It was nice meeting you, Josh."

"Yeah, you too," Josh hesitates and glances at me. "Take good care of her. You don't find girls like her often."

The indirect praise enkindles a flame in my soul and on my face as my heart tries to escape my chest and fly to him. If only. If only he would tell me what he feels; everything could change in an instant.

Collin raises an eyebrow and holds Josh's gaze. "Rachel Evans is one of a kind. I'm lucky to have her."

I smile hesitantly. "Uh, yeah, thanks. We should go." My eyes flit to Josh, and the familiar static fills me when our eyes meet. "I'll talk to you later, Josh."

"See yah, Rach. You look really nice, by the way," he says, giving me a melancholy half smile as he turns away.

I can't help but feel as if I have already made my choice, as if I have already chosen Collin over Josh. Standing here with both of them, I can feel in my soul it was the wrong choice, but it feels too late to change my mind and go back. Too late for Josh and me.