The Definition of Time

Chapter 51

today I grieve the loss of you
not when I lost you two and a half years ago
but the ways I've been slowly losing you since then
forgetting unimportant things like what you said on my birthday
or the sarcastic comment you made about my perfectionism
and then I started forgetting important things
like the sound of your laugh
how it felt when you hugged me
your touch around my waist.
slowly I'm losing every part of you.
I used to always think of you when I saw the color blue
or when I saw a red truck
or met someone with your name
but now fewer and fewer things remind me of you
and I'm grieving the loss of you. 

May 12, 2015

I run until I can't breathe, until my chest is aching as much from lack of oxygen as from gut-wrenching pain. I open my eyes and look around; I'm at the ski hill. I should have known I would run here, the place that has highlighted my greatest pain and happiness. I slide to the ground and lead against a tree, inhaling spastically.

Everything I know is a lie.

During the three months that we weren't talking, Josh dated Sierra, and he didn't tell me. He lied to her about me, hid what we had, what we were. The person I thought cared more about me than anyone in the world, the one and only person that I've ever loved, betrayed me. Everything has been built on a foundation of deceit.

My chest tangibly aches, and I feel tears overflowing from my eyes unbidden. This is the end; I can feel it. All of my trust in Josh that has been built up over the past two years is deteriorating and our castle is crumbling. This is the end of us.

When I hear footsteps beside me, I know it's Josh. Maybe I knew he'd come here, that he'd find me. Maybe I came here because I want him to give me an explanation, to tell me that this is all a grand misunderstanding.

"Rach, please let me explain," Josh says, his voice aching.

As much as I want to tell myself not to care, I stand up and turn to him, sympathetic to the pain in his voice.

"What can you explain, Josh? Can you make this go away? Can you tell me that it's all a mistake, that you haven't lied to me?" My eyes bore into him, demanding absolute honesty.

Josh's gaze falls to the ground and he struggles to regain composure. "Rach, I never meant to hurt anyone...not Sierra, and certainly not you."

"What happened?" I ask.

I don't know if I'm truly ready to hear everything, but I know that I need to try to understand.

Josh sighs and half turns away from me, running a hand through his hair. "When I...after that night last year, I decided I needed to get over you, and I already knew that Sierra liked me. She's really sweet, and to be honest, she always reminded me of you. I know my motivation was wrong, but I asked her out and we started dating. I didn't know if you and I would ever make things right again, so I focused on Sierra. I liked her, I really did, and dating her made those months a lot less painful than they would have been otherwise."

"So you had real feelings for her?" I ask, unsure if I want an honest answer.

"Yeah," Josh says, looking down at his hands. "But it...it didn't compare."

As much as I hate to admit it, I know exactly what he means. It takes me back to when I liked Collin, but I knew there was something better with Josh. The difference is that I didn't lie to Josh about it.

"So then what happened?" I ask, the sickening feeling in my stomach twisting into a knot.

"Then, you called me and needed a ride to the hospital." He draws in a sharp breath. "That was the night of our our three month anniversary dinner."