The Definition of Time

Chapter 37

who are you?
you are the voice
echoing my greatest fears
affirming my deepest insecurities

who were you?
roommate, confidante, friend
secret keeper, understander, listener
future bridesmaid in my hypothetical wedding
late night ice cream run partner
dear, dear friend.

what changed?
maybe I'm seeing who you really are
maybe I'm seeing who I really am
maybe you left me behind 
because I will never be good enough.

You left me like the rest of them
But you knew. You knew they left.
And you just followed in their footsteps.

January 15, 2015

"Ready to go, Rach?" AJ calls from his car.

Back to school. The time has come to face my fears,  to face Josh and Jordan again. 

"Not yet," I yell back and turn to say goodbye to my family. 

I hug Mom tightly, trying to give her a portion of what little strength I have. I tousle Tommy's hair even though he's taller than I am. Dad pulls me into a strong embrace, and finally I turn to Gramps. Every time I say goodbye to him, I wonder if this is it, if this is the last goodbye. 

"See yah, Gramps." I give him a half smile and squeeze his withered hand.

"See yah, Pipsqueak. I love you!" 

"I love you too." I lean down and wrap him in a hug, inhaling his familiar scent of Old Spice.

I whisper goodbye under my breath as I leave just in case.  I draw in a deep breath and mechanically climb into AJ's car. Minutes later, we're on the road again and heading back to school. 

"So did you make a New Year's resolution?" I ask AJ.

"Survival," he says jokingly.

I laugh but prod further, "Seriously though, what do you want to change this semester? Who do you want to be?"

AJ laughs at me, his head falling against the headrest and sunlight painting tattoos across his skin through the window. "You can't help it, can you?"

"What?" I ask, perplexed.

"You can't help believing in people. You always try to push people to be better, to grow. You don't even realize you're doing it."

I shrug indifferently though I know he's right. "You still didn't answer my question."

AJ looks towards the road though his eyes are dreamy and lost in thought. "My resolution? I just want to...I want to stay strong. It's hard sometimes. You know how you told me that you feel like sadness is just always there, in the back of your mind? I have that too, except for me, it's...it's darkness. It's this, this voice telling me that I'm not good enough, so why even try? Why not give in?"

I can see the pressure of the darkness as he speaks in the tensing of the muscles in his arms and shoulders, the gritting of his teeth, and the darkening of his brow.

"You'll be strong," I say, assuming as much confidence as I can summon. "I believe in you."

He needs to be strong, for himself and for me. If he succumbs to his inner demons, I'm afraid that I'll succumb to my own fear and depression.

"You'll be strong because we both need you to be."

I reach over and touch his hand on the steering wheel, squeezing it lightly. I'm afraid that he's going to fall back into not only his depression but his selfishness and self-destruction.  I'm afraid that AJ will revert to who he used to be, to drowning his pain with careless drinking and drugs. With everything that has happened in the past year and a half, I'm just terrified afraid that the people I trust are going to hurt me--Josh, Jordan, AJ, Chloe.