The Definition of Time

Chapter 35

everything was more beautiful in the before
before, I could smile and laugh and cry without ever thinking of him
before, I could find beauty in every leaf, rock, tree, bird
during, happiness became tied up in him
during, happiness was every smile, look, and touch
after, happiness was forever tainted
after, i realized everything i lost:
what we were and what we could be.
time is now defined by the before, the during, and the after

November 7, 2014

We are over before we could even begin.

All I can think of is the similarities betwen his birthday and tonight. Tonight, we stood on the verge of an uncharted adventure, but Josh walked away after I had already jumped. He left me to fall alone. 

Hours past as I sob at the top of the ski hill. As much as I weep for myself and what I've lost, I also weep for Josh. His soul is so troubled that he can't see himself as I see him. He is blind to his own worth, and that breaks me. It's so hard to believe that after everything, we're over.

I watch as violet and carmine intermingle across the night sky, alerting me to the sun's coming arrival. I lean my head against a tree, clawing dirt under my fingernails, and watch the sun rise. There is still beauty, I tell myself. Though it is tainted, though it is bruised, there is still happiness out there for me. I have to believe that.

 I rise from the tree and immediately feel weariness from the long night of tears and pain. The last 24 hours have stripped the flesh from my bones so that I am merely the skeletal remains of the girl I once was. As I stumble towards campus, the oranges of the sunset dance across me, taunting me with their joy. I turn on my discarded phone to see a million texts from Jordan and Chloe asking where I am and if I'm alright. There are no texts or calls, however, from Josh.

When I stumble into Jordan's and my room, she jerks awake from her position propped against our bunkbed.

"Rach?"  Jordan slowly rises, rubbing eyes that look nearly as tired as mine. "Are you okay? Where's Josh? What happened?"

I stand in front of her, unable to move, and mumble quietly, "Josh and I...we're done. It's over."

As I say these words for the first time aloud, I crack again and fall to pieces in front of her. I collapse onto the floor and curl up into a ball, and I let myself break.

December 6, 2014

A month exactly has passed since everything shattered.

The campus is small, so I run into Josh every few days. I can only hold eye contact with him for a moment before the weight of everything we lost threatens to crush me, so eventually we just avoid each other's gazes. Pain shrouds me, following me like a shadow and never letting me free. Even when I laugh or smile, there is always sadness. I can't escape it.

Josh doesn't spend much time with us any more. He spends time with Sierra, the girl I met on his birthday, and Drew, his roommate, instead of us. I don't just miss him as the boy I was in love with but as my best friend. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to call him, wanting to tell him something or confide in him, but I can't. There is an absence in my life that I'm not sure anyone else can fill.

My bones ache. My heart aches. Yet I still love him; perhaps I always will. 

The one light in the past two months of utter darkness has been completely unexpected. AJ. After all of the drama during my first year of school, I never imagined that I would be the one depending on him instead of the other way around. Yet AJ has been the one person who has listened to me and comforted me and supported me through all of my pain.