The Definition of Time

Chapter 49

for years I tried to forget you
but now that it's actually happening,
now that you're fading
now that your picture
once so vibrant
full of color
of blue eyes
and blue skies
is fading to black and white
and the corners are fraying
now that I'm forgetting you,
I don't want to.
I'm losing you for the very last time.

May 5, 2015

To distract myself from the building tension between Josh and me, I've immersed myself in my fifteen page critical analysis of Orwell, and I am channeling all of my pent up frustrations and anxiety into my writing so I don't have to think. I feel as if Josh and I are on a hiatus; I don't know what to do or say to get him to talk to me about what he's thinking and feeling, but the distance between us is all the more painful because I know what's missing and I know I'm to blame.

I type a few more lines in my paper and hope my professor doesn't take away points for my decidedly negative perspective.

"Do you really have to slam the keys so hard?" Jordan whines from the other side of our room.

"I'm trying to write a good paper," I grouse, ending the sentence with an emphatic period.

"I hate when you and Josh fight. You make all of us miserable," Jordan complains, eyes on her cell phone.

"We're not fighting!" I answer a bit too forcefully.

"So what happened this time?"

I grimace. "He found out I'm leaving at the end of this semester. He's mad because I didn't tell him, but he should remember that we didn't talk for three months because of him."

Jordan rolls her eyes. "You two need to knock it off. You obviously make each other happy, so just shut up and be together."

"We would be if Josh weren't completely giving me the cold shoulder this week."

Jordan tosses her cell phone onto the desk and declares triumphantly, "You can thank me now. I just texted Josh and told him to get his butt over here and make things right before I gut you both with a scalpel. And you know I'm good with a scalpel."

My face deadpans. "You didn't."

"I'm almost as invested in this relationship as the two of you," Jordan exclaims. "I've been third wheeling for the two of you since the very beginning. You wouldn't even be together if it weren't for me."

I want to complain, but I really can't argue with her logic. This isn't the first time she's helped bridge the gap between us. Jordan's crazy meddling is successful because Josh shows up a half hour later outside our door. I step into the hallway to greet him.

"It seriously took Jordan for you to finally talk to me?" I ask angrily.

Josh sighs. "I actually had something planned for us tomorrow to make up for the last week, but I didn't realize...Jordan said you've been miserable. I'm sorry."

All of my angst dissipates and I look down. "It's okay. I just...we've barely talked for a week. I hate that. I hate that you're mad at me."

A smile forms at one corner of his mouth. "I'm not mad at you, Rach. I was just confused. I needed time to think."

"And now?" I ask pensively.

"Now, we have plans tonight. You ready to go?" He flashes a million dollar smile at me and offers his hand.

"Don't tell me you have another surprise for me?"

Josh smirks. "I'm full of surprises."

He grabs my hand and pulls me behind him cheerfully, and my grouchiness from the last few days instantly vanishes. He doesn't say anything but leads me away from campus towards the ski hill. This stupid ski hill seems to be at the center of most of my heartache from the last two years, from when I found Josh here after he broke up with Haley to when I sobbed my heart out after Josh broke it.