The Definition of Time

Chapter 24

how could i 
do the same thing to you
that's been done to me?
i never meant any of this
maybe no one ever means to break anyone
but we do it all the same
and all the world is broken

September 9, 2014

"What do you mean you can't do this?" Collin says, a smirk still on his face. "We can get in the car if you want."

He leans towards me, but I push him away, harder this time. He takes a half step back incredulously.

"No, I mean this." I take a steadying breath. "Us. I can't do it anymore."

The words tumble out of my mouth, and I am breathless with bravery. Collin stands before me speechless, his hands fallen to his sides. Courage fills me with the stamina I need to tell him the truth. I am aching to be free of this guilt.

"What...what do you mean you can't?" He curses and turns away from me, a hand mussing his hair. "Are you serious?"

My hesitation is enough to convince him, and when I finally regain my voice to explain, he's off on a tirade, "I drove here, four hours, after a game, and took you out to a nice dinner, and this is how you repay me? You break up with me? You could have told me before I went to all the trouble of coming to visit."

"I...I didn't know..."

"You didn't know what?" he yells, throwing his hands in the air. "That you were going to break up with me? So this is just a spur of the moment decision? Glad to know our relationship means so much to you."

"It's not...it's not spur of the moment, Collin."

My statement forces him to pause, his eyes resting on me and a strange glint in his eyes. "So...so you've been planning this?"

I twist my fingers together nervously, "No...no, I've just been trying to decide if...if we should keep going or if we should end things."

I meet his gaze finally, and I'm shocked by the hurt that I see. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that he cares so much, but his attitude towards life is usually so cavalier that I thought, or hoped maybe, that I was just a passing attraction from which he could easily recover. I see now how wrong I was.

"So you've had doubts? Why didn't you tell me? We could have at least talked about it." His voice cracks, but he recovers, bitterness lacing his tone, "But I guess I wasn't worth that."

He pivots away from me again, pacing in front of me like a prowling lion and cursing like a sailor. I've never seen him as angry as he is right now, and my whole body quakes.

"I...I didn't know until you got here."

"You didn't know what? That you don't like me? You sure could have fooled me." His eyes burn into me.

"It's not that, Collin. I like you, I've always liked you, but..."

"But what? Is there someone else? That Josh guy who practically jumped down my throat?"

My pace quickens as he glares at me. "No, it's not Josh. I'm not with anyone else, Collin, I wouldn't cheat on you. It's just that...I can't date someone that I don't see a future with."

Collin throws his hands in the air in exasparation. "I'm not asking you to freaking marry me, Rachel. We're just dating."

"But that's the thing, dating means you can see a future with that person, that you can imagine yourself falling in love with them. I...I don't think I can do that. We're different people, Collin, and..."

Collin's harsh laugh causes a chill to go down my backbone, "So that's it. Now I get it." He leers at me. "I'm not good enough for you. I'm not good enough for Rachel who doesn't sleep around or drink or party, Rachel who always gets good grades. You've always looked down on me. Don't think I didn't notice."