The Definition of Time

Chapter 52

how i wish i could have hurled my words at you
slapped you across the face with them
punched you in the gut with all the unsaid
"i believed in you"
"i trusted you"
"i wanted you"
"i loved you, you idiot"

but i stood there, docile as a lamb
i let you walk away without so much as an insult
i let you walk over me
and you escaped unscathed
no wounds, no verbal lashings, no pain
you walked away
unaware that i loved you
the lie that brought you comfort
only threatened to kill me

the words i kept inside
burned through my esophagus
slashed my throat
and threatened to choke me

i hate these unsaid words
almost as much as i wish i had spoken them  

May 15, 2015

I want to run after him, chase him, ask him to stay, beg him to love me, but some survival instinct keeps my feet planted. I gave Josh my heart, and in doing that, I gave him the power to break me. He may not have intended to hurt me, but he has. I am completely and utterly destroyed. I can't try again with him; I can't give him another chance to hurt me. I don't think I would survive. I'm not even sure I'll survive today.

"It's over," I whisper to myself, letting the truth of the words sink in. 

The truth hits me like a bullet to the chest and I crumble to the ground. The tears watering in my eyes overflow, the pain in my chest is raw and physical, and sobs shudder through my body. I watch the future fall apart. Everything I wanted, everything I hoped for, is gone in an instant.

I love Josh. Every single fiber of my being loves him. My entire body craves him, my soul needs him. All I want right now is to cry against the chest of the very person who left me here. I feel as if I am at war with myself: Part of me says that I should hate him for what he's done. He lied to me, betrayed me, broke my trust. He cheated on his girlfriend with me. Everything we had was built on a lie. But the other part says that none of it matters, that nothing matters except for this aching yearning inside of me. 

Did I make a mistake?

Cognitively, I know I didn't. I know that I can't let him hurt me any more. I know that I can't ever trust him again. I know that I could never move past what happened today.

"It's over," I say again.

As I say the words, a slideshow of memories floods into my mind. Sunlight, smiling, laughter. The day we met. The night he broke my heart the first time. Our first kiss. When I met his family and he met mine. When we laughed together and when I cried into his chest. When I hurt him and he hurt me. So much has happened in the last two years. We've been happy and sad and hurt and angry, but this, this is irreversible. This can't be undone. 

But we were happy. Was it all a lie? Every moment we've spent together in the last two months?

We were so happy, and maybe it all wasn't deceit, maybe Josh truly just wanted to forget about everything except the two of us and put the past behind us. But even though we were happy, even if that happiness was real, that doesn't make up for what he did. He deliberately hid the truth from me. Maybe if he'd told me then, I would have understood. Then again, maybe we would have ended before we ever began.

I try to picture the future without him, and everything seems blurry and desolate. How will I live without him? How will I face the world knowing what we had, what could have been, what was, and what won't be? How can I move forward knowing that the person I love is behind me?

"It's over."

As surely as I know that we're over, I know that I still love him. Maybe I always will. The pain I'm feeling right now doesn't cause that love to abate. If anything, it shows me how acutely I do love him, how much I have tied my happiness up in the idea of us. Can I ever be happy again without him? Will I ever love anyone as much as him?