The Definition of Time

Bonus Scene 2: Josh's Perspective || "I can't do this."

Tonight wasn't supposed to be like this. Tonight was supposed to change everything between me and Rachel, and it has. It's destroyed us instead of creating us.

During the whole ride back from jail, I've been at war with myself. Rachel is the sort of girl that any guy in his right mind would give up everything for. She deserves the very best. I should have known that I would never measure up.

"What is wrong with you?" Dad's question has been echoing in my mind the whole time Rachel and I have been in the truck.

What's wrong with me? As soon as I saw that guy touching her, grabbing her, something inside me snapped. It was just like the time with Ellie's bullies. Everything turned red and all I knew was that I needed to protect her. I don't remember anything except for hammering my fists into that guy with everything I was worth. I didn't care what happened; I don't think I would have even cared if I'd killed him. Rage took control of me.

When I saw the guy after the haze broke, it seemed impossible that I could have done that to him. His nose was broken and bleeding and bruises were forming all over his face. I'd mauled him like an animal. What's wrong with me?

Rachel deserves the very best, and that certainly isn't me. If I can't control myself, how can I protect her? How can I be what she needs? Despite everything I've done tonight, she stood by me. She sat in the jail waiting for me for hours. All I want right now is to hold her, but I need to do the opposite. I need to let go of her.

None of this seems fair. Tonight was like a glimpse of a dream that's never going to come true. When I saw Rach in her little black dress in the murky light of the bar, I wondered how I would keep my hands off of her. For so long, I saw her as only a friend, but now I hate myself for being so blind. She's not the prettiest girl I've ever seen, but there's something about the way her nose wrinkles and her eyes disappear when she smiles that's irresistible. She smiled at me when she saw me, and I could actually feel my heart beating. When we danced and I felt her against me, her breath warm against my neck, for the first time in my life, I wanted a future. I wanted a future with her.

Now I've destroyed it. I had one chance to get this right, to treat Rachel like she deserves, and I screwed it all up. I lost control. I ended up in freaking jail. Selfishness tells me I should forget this ever happened and kiss her so she forgets it too. Normally, I'd listen to my selfishness, but I can't with Rachel, not when she's cared about me so selflessly for a year and a half. I know what I need to do. I know what's right.

I pull the car into the parking lot of her dorm. For a moment, my mind races and I think about walking her to her room and never leaving. No. I grit my teeth and turn the truck off so that we're sitting in silence. I can feel Rachel's eyes on me, but I can't stand to look at her right now.

I sigh. "This isn't how I wanted tonight to go."

Rach is still watching me as she asks, "What do you mean?"

I hate the vulnerability in her voice. I hate that I'm going to hurt her. "I thought...I wanted tonight to be about us, but I can't. I can't do this."

I finally turn to look at her, her eyes round and chocolate. She's never been able to hide how she's feeling, and now I wish she could. Her eyes scream pain and vulnerability at once, and all I want to do is relieve her pain, but instead, I'm the one inflicting it.

"What...what are you talking about?"

"This," I murmur, my voice an octave above breaking. I gesture between us. "You and me. I can't do it."

Her eyes widen and she stutters quickly, "Josh, you can, we can-"

"No, Rach, you don't get it." I close my eyes and slam my hand on the dashboard in frustration. "I can't be what you need. I'm screwed up, Rach, I...you deserve so much better than me."

I don't add what I'm really thinking. She's always been the one to tell me that I'm more than what my dad says I am, but for once, she's wrong. I'm not as good as she thinks I am, and I'm nowhere near good enough to be what she needs.

I look at Rachel, and tears are running down her face. What have I done? What's wrong with me? I know I'm doing what's right, but I hate hurting her. She's the one person in the world who knows me and still cares about me, and here I am destroying her."

"Josh, that's not true. You are...you're everything. You..."
My voice breaks. She's wrong. I'm nothing, and she's everything. We're as different as the light and the dark, as water and land.

"Rach, I care about you so...so much. But I can't be the person you need. I would only let you down."

She says the one thing I can't bear to hear. "Josh, you already are the person I need."

I reach up and run a hand through my hair and slide my head against the headrest. She doesn't need me, she doesn't need anyone. She's the strongest, best person I know, and I only wish I could tell her that, force her to believe in herself. If anything, I need her.

"Rach, I'll only hurt you, and I can't...I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you." I don't know if I can live with myself for how much I'm hurting you right now. I pause, and I finally whisper my motivation for all of this pain. "I want you to be happy."

When Rachel says nothing, I look at her. Her mouth is open, chim trembling, and tears are running down her face, but she can't say anything. Her eyes scream raw heartbreak. I want to say that I didn't know she cared this much, but she always has. Rach has cared about me since the moment we met, and even though I care about her too, so much that I'm willing to sacrifice a future with her, Rach loves people with her whole heart. And now I've broken it. She may be able to forgive me someday, but I'll never be able to forgive myself.  

~~~~~

Happy 5,500 reads! Here's another bonus scene featuring your favorite fella, Josh! When the story hits 6,000, I'll post another one :)

Meanwhile, check out my other two novels: "Of Warrior and Crown" and "Sharing Corrie". Thanks again for everything.

~ Hannah