The Definition of Time

Chapter 36

The past is safe
and familiar
and you are there
and I miss it.

I cling to it
and to you
as to something familiar
as a symbol of simpler times
and a simpler me.

I know I've changed
but I wish I were the same
that you and I were the same
but we're not.

Maybe I'm afraid of the future
I can remember the past
In varying degrees of clarity
but I know nothing of the future.

Maybe I'm afraid
that things will never be as easy
with anyone as they were
with you.

I want to go back
to things that are known
because it's so hard to believe
that the unknown could be any better.

My shoulders carry the unknown
and the known alike
and I'm not sure which one is heavier
or which haunts me more.

December 22, 2014

"Rach!" I hear AJ's voice before I see him.

He stands in front of my dorm in a pair of skinny jeans, a hoodie, and his everpresent Converse. Since I'm poor and my car is out of commission, AJ volunteered to pick me up and drive me home for the holidays. I've never been so happy to see him in my life.

I run to him quickly and wrap him in a grateful hug. "It's so good to see you."

""So...how is everything?" he says, his obsidian eyes boring into me as he throws an arm casually across my shoulder and we head up to my dorm room to grab my stuff.

It's startling to realize how much I have come to trust AJ; he's no longer the irresponsible highschooler or the depressed college student. He's becoming my best friend again, and my vulnerability around him terrifies me. Part of me still questions whether I can trust him, but I have no one else left.

"It's...I think I'll be okay. Part of that is thanks to you." I smile at him gently and reach up to squeeze the hand looped around my shoulder.

He grins at me winningly, and we head towards  my room to grab my stuff. When we reach the room, the door is closed, so I shove it open. The sight before me shocks me into instant silence.

Josh. Josh leans against the closet while Jordan and Luis sit on the bed. Josh. I try to imagine why he could be here, and the only thing I can think is that he and Jordan have remained friends behind my back despite everything that's happened. At our entrance, their easy conversation ceases, and they stare at me pensively.

My eyes fly first to Jordan and the penance in her eyes and then to Josh. I see contrition and true sorrow in his gaze, and I wonder if this separation has hurt him as much as me.

"Rach, I'm...I'm so sorry, I thought you'd already left," Jordan says, jerking to a standing position.

These are the first civil words I've heard from her in more than a month, but I can't return them. I stare from her to Josh and then back again. Words press against my lips, begging for escape. Jordan, how could you do this? Josh, how could you leave me? But I don't say anything.

AJ steps from beside me to break the awkwardness with his smooth charisma. "Hey, I'm AJ Shaw. Nice to meet you."

He shakes the hands of the stunned trio before me, and I manage to find my voice. The words that come from me, however, are weak and cowardly because I don't know who else to be.

"Uh, AJ, you may remember Jordan from that night...in the hospital. This is her boyfriend Luis, and, uh, Josh."

My eyes flicker to Josh's and then falter back to the floor; I know that he can see straight through my facade to the affliction inside. The piercing gaze from his blue eyes engenders a screaming fear inside of me. Flee, it whispers. Flee before he can hurt you.