Dear Everyone; L.h

ten

In one part during the writing process I went to write "in agreeance" did you guys know that the word hasn't really been used since the 19th century? and that it could be grammatically incorrect? Like it's a word just no one uses it anymore so it's wrong, like?? okay whatever you say google fuck you.

Dedicated to mgc-halsey because after you commented that song I decided to give it a listen and wow is it good.

I want to tank each and every single one of you for voting on my stories even though I suck at finishing once I start and I also suck at updating on a schedule but I am going to try my hardest.

So just keep voting and commenting and I'll keep giving you guys the chapters you deserve.

I love you guys and don't forget that I love talking to you guys, so pm me or write on my message board (:

comment here who your favorite author is and why for a dedication

Day 30

I feel like I'm floating farther and father away from the person I use to be, I'm not sure really what to do at this point.

I remember being so in love with Liza and a part of me still knows that I am but there's this heavy feeling that lays on my chest every second of every day it's hard to focus on anything else.

I know that Liza and our daughter deserve better than what I can give them, I so desperately want to be enough for them but I feel like I never can be and it's killing me from the inside out.

I remember when Liza and I first met, everything was so perfect from the moment I laid eyes on her.

I remember just how bright and welcoming her smile was and recently she seemed so dull and warn down.

I did this to her, I ruined something so beautiful and amazing. Now there's nothing I can do about it.

---

I closed my journal and pushed it to the side no longer caring if someone were to read it.

I sigh as a cup of green tea was pushed in front of me, for the last couple days the boys have been by my side 85 percent of the time. I felt like a child they couldn't leave alone.

I was tired of feeling like a problem they had to fix, i'm not a broken toy that they can just send back to the manufacturer in hopes that they can get a new one in return. That's just not what I was and they're going to have to deal with it.

"we're just trying to help you Luke" says Michael from across the room, although I couldn't see any of them I knew they were nodding in agreement.

"Sending me away isn't going to help" I retort causing Ashton to sigh from beside me.

"Look we were going to tell you, all we want is the best for you and right now all you're doing is falling apart and none of us know why"

"we're your best friends and we don't know why you're so sad, that's kind of weird and discomforting Luke" Michael finishes for him

I don't understand why they're so upset over me being sad, I didn't ask for them to care, it's not like I expected them to give a shit about how I felt.

I feel myself begin to tear up but I hold back the tears hoping that none of them could tell that I was on the verge of crying.

"we Just want you to be okay" says Liza

I knew how much Liza needed me to be okay, not only for her but for our daughter And I wish that I could be okay for the both of them but there's something programmed in my brain that makes it so difficult.

It's not that I don't want to get better I just feel like it's impossible.

I close my eyes once I felt my tears begin to pool over and fall lightly down my thin cheeks.

"I'll do it"

the room fell silent for a solid minute before Michael finally spoke up "what?"

I open my eyes, my vision blurry with tears "I said I'll do it okay? send me away and maybe I'll come back someone different like you all want"

I feel Ashton wrap his arm around my shoulder "we don't want you to change Luke, we want you to be happy"

I wish that was possible Ashton I really do.

Day 34

The last few days I've felt like I was a floating ship on a calm emotionless sea.

I'm not really sure how to explain the last couple of days, they were eventless and full of dull sappy moments.

Calum flew in from his girlfriends house two days ago so that he could be here when I finally leave and to be honest I feel so bad for putting everyone else's life on pause.

I'm not more important than what they have going on and I wish they thought that as well as me.

Liza was sad that I was leaving but she wanted it for me, she says that she thinks that it would be the best thing for me right now and I hope to God that she's right.

I don't think she can take any more let downs from me right now.

I just hope that everything I do from here on out will be enough for her and our daughter.

Hey guy's! sorry this chapter is a little late seeing as though it's three am where I am.

I decided that at the end of every chapter I would recommend a song for you guys to listen to (:

idk why but I think it could be cool.

so the first song is Hourglass by Catfish and the bottlemen

(Edited in 2019)