Dear Everyone; L.h

two

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TRIGGER WARNING, SUICIDE MENTION AND SELF HARM PLEASE STAY SAFE I LOVE YOU.
Day 9

Do you ever wonder what it's like to die? The rush of adrenaline that coursed through your veins until finally you take your last breath. Your heart beats a couple more times, but you've blacked out by then.

Your mind racing through thoughts and memories until finally everything goes completely black.

Or is it different.

Will I take my final breath and wake up at the gate of heaven. My bare undeserving feet floating on clouds as the beautiful man deems me unworthy.

I wonder if our baby is okay.
If it's dreaming about meeting its mother and I.

I wonder if it will remember me after I die.

I wonder if it will think that I was worthy
-Luke

I wrap the notebook away and tuck it under the white pillow.
It was late at night and Liza sat across the room, her hair pulled up in a very messy bun and her makeup smeared.

She looked absolutely beautiful.

She had been watching Marly and me and so her eyes had been flooding the entire living space.

I didn't mind though, I would drown in her tears if it meant I got to be next to her.

I watched as she wiped away a tear, I grinned.

"What do you think it is" I ask

She looks back from the couch and into the kitchen where I stood and grinned "I think it's a boy"

I shrugged "I have a feeling it's a girl"

She laughed "no way am I having another me"

I cant even handle myself how am I going to handle a little boy who wants to be exactly like me?

I sigh "he or she will be absolutely beautiful, but only if it looks like you"

She blushed and turned away, probably hoping I wouldn't have noticed the reddish tint that covered her cheeks.

"I hope it has your heart"

No you don't.

Day 10

I remember when I was 13. That was when I first found out I was depressed. I had always known that something was off about me but once my mom found me playing the 'suicide game' she decided enough was enough.

I remember the night was cold, and absolutely boring. All of the other kids were off at Jacksons birthday party while I was left at home to do nothing, since I wasn't invited. It wasn't Jacksons doing though, his parents simply didn't like me. Not a lot of parents did actually.

I patted down my curly hair so that it would rest against my forehead before sighing.

I was absolutely bored with nothing to do.

I remember an older kid, 10th grade talking to my friend Lindsay about the suicide game.

She had told her that it was a fun way to see if you were worthy of life or not. I ran over how she said to play it before running off to get the tools she said Lindsay would need.

I grabbed a small blade from my dads tool box and a bottle of prescription pain medicine from my mums purse.

I swallow five or six pills before gliding the razor against my pale skin. I frown once I notice nothing happening.

Instead of blood like she said there would be there was instead just a white line drawn across my wrist.

I try a couple more times, each time as useless as the last. I sigh.

How was I suppose to play when I couldn't even do it the right way.

I wasn't worthy of life.

I couldn't even get away from it.

A few moments later my mum had walked in on me, freaking out. She cried into her hands and pulled me into her arms before pulling out her phone and calling an ambulance.
That 10th grader got into a lot of trouble after Lindsey died.
My Mom had told me a million and one times that she had loved me and still here I sit 25 years old grieving the life God had chose to give me.

Sorry its so short! Vote and comment.

I love you guys soo sooo much. ^.^

-kenzi

(Edited in 2019)