Dear Everyone; L.h

five

Dedicated to ash-potatoes
For being so nice to me ^.^

Comment what the most offensive thing you have ever heard someone say for a dedication (:

Day 16

Today I find out what the gender of our baby is.

I am very nervous.

I'm hoping it'll be a girl so no one has to worry about always being reminded of me when I'm gone.

The other night after Liza left me alone in my thoughts, I nearly drowned.

I could feel the water filling my lungs and my heart slowing down and then quickly out of no where regaining speed. I wish it would just end all together.

I felt so sorry for myself and I felt bad for feeling sorry for myself.

Did I not know how many people would kill to be where I am, to have what I have?

I was selfish. So fucking selfish.

But I didn't care.

...

I tucked away my notebook inside my bag.

Liza and I had been waiting together in the waiting room of the women's health section of our local doctors office.

She had been staring down at her hands the whole time while I wrote slowly in my notebook.

There was this one time that she had tried to read it; she thought I was asleep but really I was wide awake dying in the spot right next to her.

When I had realized that she had gotten ahold of it I quickly snatched it from her hands and tucked it back away under my pillow while yelling at her to never touch it again.

I regret that day.

Why doesn't she hate me?

I had been trying for so long to have her leave me.

If she was gone then that meant there would be less people to hurt when I'm finally gone.

But at all costs she would not leave.

I still wonder why.

She looked up from her hands and at me.

"We don't talk anymore" she says

I felt a pang of guilt reach my stomach and I sigh.

"I wish I talked to everyone more" I try to say but was stopped when the doctor called out Liza's first and last name.

She looks to me quickly before standing up, I follow her lead and walk with the doctor through many hall ways until we make it to the actual room that we had usually went to for check ups.

I sat down next to the bed as Liza got situated, lifting her shirt up.

The doctor pulls gloves over her hands while smiling at the both of us "how have the last five months been?" She asks.

Hell I think to myself.

Liza grins and looks to me "beautiful, I felt them kick the other night"

The doctor nodded and looked to me "did daddy get to experience the kick?"

Liza frowned and looked down at her exposed stomach "he was sleeping"

The doctor nodded not taking what she said to heart but I had known what she really meant.

I frown.

"Well, lets get you two started then, I bet you're dying to know the gender"

Liza nodded "I am"

I sighed.

The doctor was so oblivious to what Liza was pointing towards during all of this, but I knew.

She was angry with me for not being there for her and I knew that.

But I didn't know what to do.

I never know what to do.

The doctor then grabs a gell and lathers it over Lizas stomach.
She then takes a tool and gently starts at the bottom of her stomach before working up to more near her ribs.

"The baby is very healthy" the doctor smiled at Liza and I.

I ignored them as they talked and stared directly at the monitor.

There my baby was.

It was curled up in the fetal position but every few seconds would twitch.

I created that.

It was a creation of my body.

"Its a girl"

My baby girl.

I felt myself tear up as I looked over to Liza whose face was lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Oh my God" I say "we're having a baby girl"

Liza laughed happily and gripped onto my hand.

"Ill print some pictures" the doctor says before leaving.

We're having a baby girl.

This chapter sucked so much ew.
Thank all of you so so so much for voting and commenting.

It means so much to me!!

By the way you don't have to read the first book to read this one.

Their kind of similar but aren't exactly the same. So its fine (:

Love you!!

-kenzi

(Edited in 2019)