Love... A Niall Horan Love Story

Chapter 6: I Want You

Niall's P.O.V.
I sat on my bed, staring at the book on my pillow. I would not read it. I needed to forget about this girl. Often time, I would catch myself daydreaming, picturing her face and her personality. I was going mad. I was feeling this overwhelming urge to protect her, and I didn't even know her name. It was pissing me off. I didn't want to like this girl. All I wanted to do was find out who she is and give her back her diary. I didn't want to meet her and talk to her and get to know her. I hated the fact that I didn't know her and yet, I felt like I did. With every entry, she was telling me more about herself, stuff that only she knew about herself. And as much as I hated admitting that I liked a girl who I had never met, I needed to find out more about her. Screw it, I thought, and reached for the diary. I flipped straight to entry number three.

I'm gonna smile like nothing's wrong, pretend like everything's okay, act like it's all perfect, even though inside it really hurts. 

Today people at my college laughed at me. I laughed with them, even though it made me sick. Isn't that sad? I can't enjoy my life anymore? I have to force a smile everyday because if I don't I'm going to lose my mind? God, I wish one person would act like they care about me. Just one. That's not much, is it? Is it too much to ask for something great? (A/N sorry I had to. I love One Direction's new album) I'm dying here. I'm so sorry, diary, if my tears splash onto your pages. I just had a really bad day. Those people, they said, 



"Look boys, here comes the murderer, better not make her mad or she'll kill you."



A harmless joke, really. But not to me. I used to let things roll off my shoulders. Now mention my brother, my life, murderer, and I'm sobbing like a baby. When they said that, they laughed and I laughed with them. Then, I sprinted to the bathroom to be sick. I missed half on my first class because I felt so horrible. I have to fake a smile everyday, fake everything. Fake it when people say I'm so sorry. All I can do is smile and nod and say thank you, because in my mind all I'm thinking is no you're not sorry you don't know how this feels it sucks ass and I'm losing my mind. I need my brother back, diary, I really do. He made everything okay. When people bullied me for being fat, or stupid, he held me and made me feel better. I really miss him. And now I'm going to go to my thereapy session that my mom sends me to because it helps and go lie to that person's face on how everything in my life is just fine, thank you how was your day?

Love... 

the 'liar'

I feel so unbelievably bad for her. The more I read these entries, the more I seem to want to protect her. I just can't help it. I'm losing my mind. How can someone fake a smile everyday, and act like nothing happened? I tried to stop myself from reading, but I couldn't help myself. I flipped straight to the fourth entry. I needed to see if things got better. I had a funny feeling they won't.

People's brains stop working when they think they're going to lose someone they love.

God yes. Yes, yes yes I am losing my mind. I thought I saw my brother again today. I just walked home and he was there, sitting on the counter like he always did. But when I looked again, he was gone. I can't focus on anything except for him. I've been wearing his sweatshirt for 3 days.

Diary, do you think I'm crazy? Its okay if you do, because I know I am. I think its because my brother was a huge part of my life. Now that he's gone, I feel confused. I'm not sure what to do. I didn't cry, you know. Not when I saw him, not when I was getting questioned, not afterwards when I was alone in my room. I just stared at the wall. I feel numb. Is that normal? Is it normal not to cry after the one person truly loved you dies. I feel horrible because we fought right before he died. He died not knowing how much I actually cared about him because I suck at expressing my feelings.

My therapist told me that he knows that I love him. He's watching me from heaven and hoping I'll get better. I wanted to tell her to stuff it, because that did not help. It only made me feel worse. All it made me do was think about him dead, and all I want to do is think about him alive. Should I tell you his name?I haven't said it since he died. It hurt too much. But I trust you, and I think it will help me. His name was James. I know, really common name, but I liked it. It seemed to suit him somehow. I think because its an old name and he was so old-fashioned. That didn't hurt too much, did it? Oh who am I kidding, the tear drops are on this page. But its there, I trust you so please try not to share it. Oh God, I'm talking to you like you are an actual person. Lord help me.
Love...
The 'physco'

I was right. It didn't get better. Actually, I think it got worse. I mean, she is calling herself physco. But on another note, I found out her brother's name. James... so his name was James. Too bad it's so common. But it is a start. I wish I had a last name though. I traced the blurred words on the page. She said that she was crying when she wrote this, and she was right. Little parts of the text were blurred. I touched one that fell on the 'Love...'

"I want you," I whispered to the page. "I want to meet you, and I want to help you."

I touched the page gently, as if touching it any harder would hurt her. "I want you so much. Just tell me your name, and I"ll help you. I promise. I want to help you. I want you."

Tada!!! Emotional, right? Well, I tried to make it emotional. Did it work? Tell me please! I thought it was time for a serious chappy after two funny ones because this isn't really a happy book. I mean, I will add humor, but I think that for now, when they are apart, it will  be serious. So comment! And I just love this picture of Niall, it's just so cute!