So Human

Middle School Savior

I realize that I try to reach for help,

but I always give up

so close to getting the words out.

The other day,

I told you guys that I held a knife to my wrist,

and that it wasn't the first time.

But at the sight of your horrified faces,

I choked out a laugh and

"I was trying to see how they did it in the movies"

And you guys replied, with relieved expressions

"we should've known, it's you."

I'm scared of how easily I've convinced you, my friends,

that I'm not in pain, that I've never contemplated taking my life.

I'm scared when I imagine what the look on your faces would be,

if I ever told how I've poured out my father's sleeping pills into my hands

and tried to count with steady hands, how many would put me to sleep forever.

and how the only reason why the pills went back into the bottle instead of down my throat,

was because my little sister ran from our shared room to talk to me about middle school.