A Handful Of Darkness

Scream.

Sometimes I want to scream,
Scream out the words.
That im not okay.
That I need you by my side,
To hold me for a little while.
Just so I can cry,
Cry out my feelings.
The ones all bundled inside,
But saying a word,
Would ruin my mask.
Underneath is a broken girl,
Known as my true self.
Parts fixed with duck tape,
Starting to peal off.
Starting to break away.
My clock spinning,
Time wasted.
Emotions taking over my brain.
Making me break down like a car,
On the side of the road.
Hoping someone will stop to help,
Or just to see if I need help.
But im not a car.
And my mask needs to stay on,
If it comes off it might never be able to be put back on.
No protection.
It's best to say im okay.
For everyone around me.
For everyone,
Period.
So no one can worry,
Or waste their time.
So I can't make anyone else sad.
There is no point,
I've always been like this.
Just found a way,
To get a strong mask.
Pretend to be okay.
Pretend to smile,
Pretend to laugh.
Tell my friends I need no help.
So they wouldn't pity me.
Pity me and my broken self.
I dont want pity.
I dont want anything,
But peace.
I want to be okay.
Okay for the first time in awhile.
To be able to breathe,
Without regretting waking up.
I'm getting better,
At faking a smile.
It's kinda funny.
How I can pretend for awhile,
Like I'm on stage playing a part.
But at the end no one bows.
I have no audience,
Just me.
On a empty stage.
Walking around wearing my mask.
Back stage,
Is my mind.
The darkest thing you could ever see,
Ever think of.
The thoughts of death,
Lingering in my deepest thoughts.
Giving up one of my main options.
Breaking down is back stage.
After every show,
Where I bow.
But all you here is silence.
Because they don't know I'm playing a part,
With my mask on so tight.
Unable to rip off without help.
So when I bow,
I shall pull my mask off.
And scream,
'I'm not okay'.