hey guys, it has been a while yea hope you're good and that you're not doing drugs and stay in school, or work, or whatever you're doing just be safe and good children
also i want to start up my youtube channel again idk
>.<
phil knocks on the door, a weak hope that he will actually open, even though it's impossible. he awaits a few seconds, not understanding why he would even do this, but when the door opens, phil's eyes widens. but, it's not who he thinks it is, and sighs silently as chris offers a small smile.
"hey, phil, you holding up alright?" phil rolls his eyes as he asks such a stupid question, inviting himself in to the flat he knows too well. "are you sure you're comfortable with being here?"
"better than being down at the cemetery, you know," phil mumbles silently, looking around the flat with curious eyes. chris hasn't changed a thing, which puts a weak smile on phil's lips. "i-it's okay if i walk around here, right?"
"yea, i mean, he was your best friend," chris says, walking back to the sofa where he sat before phil knocked, watching pj's favorite anime once again. phil looks over at the tv, walking slowly over to chris with a small smile tugging. it is as if he was still here, "there is a box on his bed i want you to have, didn't know if you were ready to have it yet, but i guess you are as you are here,"
"on his bed?"
"yea, i sleep in the guestroom now,"
"oh, thank you, though," phil says with a weak smile, earning one back from chris before he turns his head back to the tv. phil sighs as he turns around, letting his feet take him towards his bedroom, or what others would refer it as, the room of death, but never could he call it that. that room carries too many memories, and death can not be the one to define it.
he opens the room, tracing his fingertips on the door frame before stepping in, feeling the tears already falling, making his vision blurry. but, he rubs his eyes lightly before moving longer into the room, seeing the box being on pj's side. there is nothing special with the actual box, but when phil sits down beside it and opens it, a small gasp escapes from his mouth.
the first thing he sees is a letter, phil's name being on the envelope. his eyes scan the handwriting, lifting it up slowly as if it was some kind of bible that has not been found yet. it's clear, the handwriting belongs to pj. and when phil opens it, it's not what he thought it would be.
the envelope includes a letter, but also several pictures. the first one is from when they first met in 12th grade, both of them attending an ib school known for being the best. they are sitting in their japanese class, patiently waiting for their teacher to come, taking a selfie with the whole class to put as their group picture on messenger. but pj had cropped out everyone else but them as much as possible, because pj was the one holding the camera, and phil was the one sitting right beside him.
the next picture he noticed was of the both of them in starbucks, taking a typical white girl selfie as they awaited for dan to hopefully answer phil's snaps he had been ignoring, and because pj was the amazing friend he was, he made sure phil wasn't thinking too much about it but instead thought about everything else good. phil was always so thankful for pj, and pj was extremely thankful for phil. but, that wasn't enough for pj, he just couldn't anymore. and after he has studied the rest of the pictures, he carries on to the letter.
dear phil,
heh, so i'm actually doing this, yea? i don't know what i'm doing right now, and what i'm supposed to write, but what i know is that i can't just leave you, i need to explain myself, just so you know it isn't your fault that i, well, killed myself. just remember that from the start, it is not your fault. it is all mine.
if you look at me in the picture we took with our whole japanese class, you can clearly see that my eyes were on you, and they have always been. since the very beginning of our friendship i have adored you, been so grateful to have you in my life and just simply loved you. and that's it, i have always loved you.
i always put you first, i never gave up on you and i made sure you were happy, which made me forget about myself. i didn't forget about my feelings, but i hid them, because you would never like someone like me. and then dan came into your life, and he came in your toughest period too, which made you push me aside and embrace dan, and i couldn't do anything. you loved him, i knew it, and i knew that if i was going to be happy, i had to put my feelings aside and let you love him.
and then his mom died, which made everything worse, for both him and you. he lost someone he loved, and your grandma came into realisation how close you and dan actually had become, and before you could actually come out to her, she just sent you away. but i was there, phil, and i helped you. the fact that you wanted to leave dan behind was kind of a relief for me, maybe i had a chance on you anyway?
but no, after we left to brighton, and you started to write on wattpad, you started to push me away slowly. and i was losing who i loved, again. it sucks to be the one who has to stand on the outside, watch your love of your life love someone else, and with all the quotes and stories i read every single day about love, it made me so sad. i had never been as sad as then, even though we talked every day, it wasn't the kind of talk i wanted it to be.
gosh, this was so hard for me, phil. i knew that to make you happy again, i had to make you and dan get together again. and i had planned from the very beginning, that when i knew you were happy, i was going to leave somehow. and not just you, but the world, because i have gotten so sad and i was so done. i am so done, phil, and that's why you're reading this.
no, you couldn't of have done anything to help me. this was meant to happen, okay? i did it for me, and please, don't let anything stop you from leaving. let yourself be happy, okay? let yourself live, hun. because darkness may take you for a while, but with your love by your side, you can and will always win. okay, phil?
now, remember that i love you, and that i believe in you. because you are the sun from the freaking teletubbies, and i am so thankful for you being there for me. and at last,
goodbye, phil. don't forget me,
pj xxxx
phil can't believe his eyes, pj loved him? more specific,
phil's forever love, loved him back?
>.<
[QOTP; how was your christmas?
AOTP; it has been pretty good, i've just been a ball of anxiety the last week tho which really sucks but ohwell. also, remember that if you ever need to talk about something, you can always come to me!]
