the last part is here lads
>.<
dan's body shakes as he reads every single word over and over again, not understanding how this could happen to someone like him. why did he choose to leave dan alone in such a world they were living in, when they both knew that dan doesn't have anyone but phil? and now dan knows that phil knew about it all, about his cancer and his lies, he knows everything.
it has been a month, and dan hasn't stopped reading the conversations they had. all of the good ones, the small fights they had, you know; the ones you would laugh at a year after? and of course, all the i love you's and all of the banter. dan can't tear his gaze away from them, they fill the black empty hole inside him. and the current one he is reading right now? phil didn't even know who he actually sent it to.
dear itsdatreader,
you said your name was dan, but i don't know if i can actually believe that or if you wanted to cover yourself with the character's name, you know? because i understand, to cover is extremely important in our society today. you either cover up too much so you become lonely, and feel like you don't have anyone, or you may not cover up and end up showing too much, which is not acceptable in our society.
before we start, i want you to know that this is not your fault , at all. this is all on me and my mistakes, okay? i've done too much to change anything now, and i was ready to leave, i had done everything i could do.
i covered up, made sure no one could see the actual me, and i tried to be who everyone wanted me to be. i tried to be the happy boy, the one who always smiled to people i got eye contact with, the one who smiled even though if he was sad, because you know, no one wants to see your actual feelings if they are something else than happy. sadness is a feeling you can't and shouldn't show, it's the rule of society.
if you open up too much, if you tell someone how sad and messed up you actually are, they will eventually leave, they don't want to witness anyone breaking the golden rule. it's stupid, isn't it? how someone can't be honest anymore, can't let stuff off their chest, and have to live with all their thoughts trapped.
i wish i did a lot of things different, a lot. i wish i told dan i loved him more, i wish i did more for him and gave him more, because he clearly deserves it. i wish i traveled more, dan would of have loved to join me. i wish u told dan that i knew about his illness, maybe i still would of have been alive now? i wish i cherished the moments of happiness more, but it's way too late now. just think about it, i was so happy in the start of dan and i's journey.
i wish i went to starbucks to meet you, but my good friend, pj, died that day. he killed himself, didn't say goodbye to anyone. i understand him, it's easier that way, but i don't understand how nor why he wanted to do it. maybe i will get the answer after i leave? i have no idea, to be honest. i don't know if i will regret doing this whilst doing it, i hope not, that must be terrible.
i know where i'll be doing it, and i've probably done it already when you're reading this. i am sorry i didn't come to meet you. i know i should of have, and that you don't deserve this, but you also deserve to get to know. i'm doing it in this old restaurant, of course not in the actual restaurant, it is closed now. i am doing it in the toilets, not even going to bother to lock the door, no one knows that i would be in it nor would anyone but dan know about how important the restaurant is for me.
this ended up being such a long message, holyyy. i will upload the last part of "wattpad", it holding my last authors note, my last words to my readers that helped me through so much, and a last thank you to them. this message is holding my last thank you to you, even though we didn't talk that much, you still helped me in so many ways. you made me realize what i actually wanted and needed, and that was dan.
i am sorry, okay? even though you may not believe me, i am. so, thank you.
- phil xx
dan yells out in anger, not understanding how he couldn't save him in time. dan saw the message straight away, and had never ran out of the hospital that fast. he was about to go into his chemotherapy appointment, and had even planned to tell phil about his cancer today, and he knew. he hates himself for not opening up to phil, maybe he would of have been here now?
dan's body shakes as he looks at himself in the mirror, knowing by phil's authors note on his last part that he stood like this, waiting for the pills to kick in. the doctors has told him everything they know, about how dan was just a few minutes late to save him, about how phil had used his sleeping pills he got after pj's death and more to do it, how dan has to move on, but also let himself grief.
dan's heartbroken, he's done with everything. the only wish he has is for phil to come back, for him to be here beside him right now, hugging him closely and tell him to stop his nonsense. he wishes for him to be alive, to breath, to eat his cereal without asking even though dan did not actually care if he ate it or not, he just wanted phil to eat and be healthy.
but now, phil is nothing but a wattpad account that is filled with his beautiful stories about the love of his life, and his own thoughts in the end of them.
and dan is left with messages that was exchanged between the two of them, itsdatreader and amazingphil, and their own love story online. because phil even managed to predict the future as he posted one last part before he left, writing about how dan may be angry, sad or heartbroken after phil's death, but one day, he will move on.
but sometimes, the books are wrong. because dan doesn't know if he can move on nor if he wants to live without phil, which is why he is placed in front of the mirror, just like phil was. he wants to do it, something inside tells him he needs to do it. but then, someone knocks intensely on the door, hoping to get contact with the boy inside.
dan sighs as he unlocks the door to the bathroom, and walks over to the main door with confusion in his eyes. he opens the door, meeting a pair of intense blue eyes looking into him. dan's breath hitches, but as he studies the eyes, the blue colour is gone. dan furrows his brows together, looking at the boy in front of it.
"i'm doing it,"
the boy say, grabbing dan's arm with a strong grip and pull him, putting pills in his hands. dan doesn't know what's happening, and tries to push himself away from the boy in front of him, not knowing who he is. the boy keeps repeating himself, saying the words dan remember hearing but ignoring. oh, how he wishes he actually did something.
i'm doing it, i'm doing it, i am doing it. they are making him go insane, not letting his mind rest a second. so dan shuts his eyes, and just a second later, they are somehow being pushed open again, but this time he is placed in front of the mirror once again. the blue colour lingers in his sight, knowing where such a beautiful colour is coming from. dan's lips quiver as he turns around, not knowing what he just experienced, but knows what he is going to do.
in his eyes, the book isn't finished yet. phil did say it was the last chapter, but every chapter doesn't make it into the book, it isn't needed to be shared to the rest of the world. this chapter is only for the two of them, a secret part that no one needs to know. sometimes, it's for the best to not let the audience get to know the actual ending.
"i," dan starts, looking into the mirror once again, "am doing it."
and just like that, the book earned a new, secret part, which put the final end to it all.
>.<
[QOTP; 1) how are you feeling? 2) you ready for a new book, lads?]
