circles // laucy

anything i have

this update is a little short and a lot of gay, so fasten those seat belts. (also vote and comment if u like it?)

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Lauren [7:46 am]: Can we please talk?"

Lucy squints her eyes at her phone's bright screen. She's definitely feeling that wine from last night.

Lucy [7:47 am]: Why did u say that stuff at dinner?
Lauren: idk i freaked. made up a story about some guy. please let me make it up to you :(
Lucy: you didn't even go after me.
Lauren: please open your door?

Lucy looks at her door in confusion until someone knocks on it. "It's me." she hears a faint voice announce. The slightly hungover girl stumbles up to the door, stopping in front of a mirror to fix the disheveled state of her face as well as she can.

"I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have said those things. I was scared that the girls seeing us together would make all of it obvious. Like they would know for some reason?" She's holding a  box of breakfast but that's not what Lucy wants right now.

"And that's your problem, Lauren. You don't care about me, or us, whatever the fuck us even means. You care about opinions." Lucy's vision is blurred by her tears, "This was a mistake. I'm booking a flight home." she starts closing the door.

"No, please." Lauren presses her hand against the wood to stop the door from closing, "I love you." Those green eyes stares at her and Lucy feels frozen in her place. "What I wanted to say yesterday before dinner," she shakily breathes in, "is that I love you. I love you and I always have and I'm so fucking scared. You scare me, Lucy."

After all these years of imagining this moment and imagining all the things she'd say and do, now that the moment is actually here Lucy can't find any words to say.

It seems like Lauren is in the same position. She helplessly holds out the box in her hands and Lucy catches a whiff of the chocolate croissants she knew would be inside, "I got your favorite."

"I don't understand." Lucy mutters, walking away from the door and sitting down on her bed. Lauren quickly lets herself in, closing the door behind them and sitting down next to the other girl, leaving the breakfast on a table, long forgotten. "What don't you understand? I just poured my heart out to you. You love me back right?"

"You knew." Lucy bites back, "How old were we when you figured out you could get away with treating me the way you did?" She can't believe she's actually saying these words when she could be in her great love's arms. "Like shit."

"Lucy, I-" Lauren wipes the palms of her hands on her jeans, "I didn't want to see it. I said I was sorry."

"And that should be enough?"

"I don't know." Lauren's voice is barely there.

"My life from when I was 10 years old right up until this moment. It's all been- I don't know who I am without you."

"I don't know what to say."

"I want to know what you were thinking. What was your thought process the first time we hooked up, and the second and third, and when I came out to you and you practically disowned me like a homophobic parent, and what the hell were you thinking yesterday?! You're so fucking confusing!"

"Remember that time you slept over."

"I've slept over a bunch of times, what are you talking about?" Lauren's irrelevant change f subject infuriates her.

"No, I mean the first time it was just the two of us. Vero was away for the summer."

"Maybe. Why does it matter?"

"You kissed me on the lips that day. Twice."

"We were kids, I didn't think that much of it."

"We're still kids now, Luce. I'll never forget that day. I wrote about it in my diary probably more than I wrote about anything else. I wrote about you more than I wrote about anyone else. I wrote every last scary thought down and I locked that diary and flushed the key down the toilet. Same goes for the one after that. I've been locking it all up for years. I was so full of shame and fear. And I know it's no excuse but sleeping with you made it... bearable. Those were the only moments I felt okay about nyaelf. Not scared and paranoid someone would somehow know about all the things that went on inside my head. I thought I didn't fear you because you knew how to make me feel safe and comfortable no matter what. But looking back nothing scared me more than you, and my feelings for you. So when even my own fans started voicing their suspicions I completely bolted mentally. I swore off anything that wasn't 100% straight, first of all stopped texting and calling you but it got worse. I stopped looking women in the eyes as much as I could, I couldn't even get changed in the same room as my band mates without having a damn near panic attack."

Lauren sounds so small and her cheeks are wet with tears and Lucy understands, she really does. And so she almost caves and kisses the streaks that cover her red cheeks. But she has to be done caving.

"I was scared too." she looks up, her determined brown eyes locking with crystal ones that shine with tears. "But I always stayed with you."

"No you didn't, you fell in love with someone else."

"I always. Stayed. With you, Lauren." Lucy feels the tears sting as she repeats the words through gritted teeth.

"Always?"

"There wasn't a second I didn't-" she suddenly composes herself as she feels another breakdown looming, "That's none of your business, actually. No matter who I loved more deeply, Vero is the one that made me truly happy. Happier than you ever could."

"And as selfish as it sounds, I hate that thought, Luce. More than anything. I wish I could go back and change it all but I can't. I know I caused you more tears than joy and I'll never forgive myself but-"

"But you're hoping I will."

"If not for yourself than do it for me, please. I can't live with myself knowing I caused all this sorrow within you. You mean the world to me. Always will."

"I need time, Lauren."

"I'll give you time, I swear to god, Lucia, I'll give you anything I have." Her voice cracks and dissolves into a high pitched noise that sounds a lot like desperation, "Just give me-" Her hands frantically search around for something to grasp onto, too timid to find Lucy's. "I just need-"

Lucy takes the girl's trembling hands in her own to silence her. She squeezes them and sighs before curling up one of the corners of her mouth into a slight smile.

"Lauren, I'm gay."

The crying girl doesn't respond for a while, the wheels in her head turning before realization washes over her. A small smile appears on her face, "I know, Lucy. I've known for a while and I still love you."

"I still love you too."

When Lucy finishes uttering those words and Lauren feels those familiar arms wrap around her and she smells a little like wine and sleep but most of all just like Lucy she feels like she can breathe in a way she hasn't been able to since she was 10 years old and introducing herself to the small new girl with the famous father.