In Hate, We Love

8. Uncertain

Standing outside room 11, i wonder what to do now. I know i can't go in but i want to see him, to apologise for not being there.

I stand on my tip toes and peer through the glass. Tears well up in my eyes as i see him sat in a wheelchair in the dark grey room, alone.

He looks skinny. God what could be wrong with him? None of the doctors know, its like his bones are crippling and his body is slowly down. He isnt even old, this shouldnt be happening.

I know why he kept going to work...he wanted to be useful, useless people get....get floated so to speak. Morbid i know...

He doesnt see me and i decide not to attract his attention, it would kill him to know i am seeing him like this.

I lower myself slowly, feeling cold and alone. I wrap my jumper around myself and lean against the wall beside the door.

I slide to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest. "I'm here dad, i'm here" i whisper to no one, letting my head fall onto my knees. I should have been there, to stop them! He shouldnt be alone in there. Its my fault.

I stay like this for a very long time, hours probably.

People walk by, doctors and nurses, but no one disturbs me. I only get up when i am fetched for my check up. No symptoms, as expected. I am let go in time for my classes but i just go back to my dads room and resume my seat by the door.

I sigh, still thinking about my dad in there...i should probably go, i have already missed two lessons, one of those being Earth Skills...oh well the whole class will have preferred the lesson without me there.

I wonder if Wells knows about my dad....Wells...oh Wells what a situation! Was he really going to make a move on me? Bellamy said so...but since when do i listen to Bellamy...he did help me out last night ugh, then again he has fooled me before.

I hear some footsteps turning the corner into the corridor and then they stop. Am i in their way? Do they want to see my dad? I freeze, maybe if i pretend to be asleep they will go away.

The mystery person sighs and chuckles familiarly then stops.

Think of the devil.

Bellamy...again, i would laugh if this were a different situation but my grief and worry has too strong a grip on me.

I look up slowly, i probably look awful from a mix of hangover and exhaustion but i dont care.

There he is. The usual surge of hatred i once would have felt upon seeing him is long gone. I just feel empty. He's dressed in his janitors clothes. Dragging a large bucket and mop.

"Working?" I say and he nods, the air thick with awkwardness.

"Sleeping?" He asks in a confused tone.

"Not quite" i mumble. He glances at the door slightly then looks away.

"Umm i better get to work." He says authoritatively, as if he is trying to sound more harsh than he wants...maybe its just my imagination, this is still Bellamy!

I nod and watch him walk past with intrigue. What on earth is happening with him, i dont know... i think i preffered it when we had a mutual agreement to be enemies...the balance feels shifted somehow...

I groan and rub my eyes, finally pulling myself up and staggering away without looking back.

***

Bellamy Blake is avoiding me.

Its mad! Im used to being the one avoiding people, especially Bellamy but i know he is avoiding me.

Whenever we cross paths he looks down and moves on, if i enter a room then he leaves, if my eye catches his he turns away in an instant...i dont know what else i expected...he seems so unsure of himself.

I'm used to Bellamy relishing in nasty delight at the sight of me, always approaching with slyness and cocky confidence.

Did the situation at the dance alter our state of relationship? Or was it when he'd overhead Finn and I?

Is anything actually different or am i just overthinking? Maybe I creep him out so much he doesnt even want to tease me anymore! Wait, am i sad about that? No. Wait. What?

It should be a good thing that he isnt on my back anymore but i just cant stop feeling...different...like, dare i say it but maybe he isnt so bad? Nonsense! Absolute nonsense.

Its final. Im going mad!

Bellamy Blake? Kind or considerate, or anything close? Ha!

Different...kind...friendly...oh please....

....

....

Oh fuck it i dont know! Why am i so bothered? Why does he get under my skin so much. Fuck you Bellamy!

I need to talk to him...do i? About what? He had his moment to help me, his moment of decency and now he is done with me...but what if im not done with him?

No. I am most certainly, not.