I never thought that I could escape that easily, that quick. I've always thought that I always needed someone to depend on. Well, I guess when push comes to shove, you'll just have to go through extreme measures.
I never really had anyone to run to except for my family. The only difference about running now is that I run from them, not to them. I've just grown so tired of hearing how much of a failure I am each day. I mean, I get it. I'm pathetic. Although, that doesn't give you the license to rub it in my face after every move I make. I know I'll never be able to say that to their faces, especially since I've just practically left them all behind.
So instead of running to someone, I just ran off to somewhere. Well, technically it is a someone because God is a person, a God, a God-person. I like to think of him as a middle aged man who will listen to me at all times, even when I am the shittiest of shits. I went to the church that I knew the best. That place had a corner where only the people who actually pass by it several times a day knew about it. I found a resting place there. Sitting in the actual inside of the church is also ideal but I didn't wanna get pity-stared at for having a bag of my clothes right beside me.
I wouldn't do this if I were as understanding as most people. Yet, I don't really think that understanding can be found when only the most painful things linger in your mind. I'm not a saint. I'm not nice or kind. I still feel, though - but trust me, I'm trying to rid of that.
Again, I thought that I wouldn't be found. But I think the universe loves fucking up my situation. Ergo, a very, very familiar voice started to alarm my ears. The sharp, strong men's perfume filled up my nose. The worst part was, he came when I felt the most vunerable, the weakest.
"Why do you have a bag and why are you crying?" I didn't expect him to talk to me. Well, not after what happened between us.
"It's none of your business. So please, just go about your usual routine." I answered casually. It was actually surprising that I managed to speak whilst sobbing uncontrollably.
"Christ Elena, you never really change, huh? Here I am, trying to help you and what do you do? You push me away, just like how you push everybody away."
"You want to help? Well you can actually start helping me by shutting the fuck up! I'm back here! I'm broke, homeless, and crying at the side of a church! My life is a fucking mess and you're here claiming you're trying to help when really YOU AREN'T. You are not! Not at all! Not a single bit! You are- " He cut me off by sitting by my side. Something he hasn't done for a while now.
"Shut up so I'll shut up and just breathe."
And I did, he did too. Do you know how when you don't make a sound and everything starts to highten? You see better, hear better, heck maybe even smell better. That's what happened, and before that I didn't think that was possible. Why do words exist anyways? They just complicate things. Words are powerful - powerfully dangerous. They can scar you, crush you and ruin everything. All they have to do is to find a human that'll do those scarring, crushing and ruining for them. Without words, everything seems simpler, much more genuine.
I wonder what it would be like to live as transparent as water. Where your true feelings show, what you want to say actually gets said, what you want to change actually changes. No fear of being judged or scolded or abandoned. Just transparency. I'd figure this world would maybe be the exact opposite if things were just like that. Well, if.
"You said you were homeless... You mean..." He asked me so cautiously.
I looked at him and said, "Yes, I'm homeless. I am out of my house for good. The great dependent Elena on her own once again."
