The Shrangster

Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Wizardry

Shrek's P.O.V:

The train suddenly came to a stop. Oh my god are we already here?! YASS!!!! I left our compartment alongside with my two partners in crime Lis and Steph. We vamoosed the train.

'Hey guys?' I said.

'Yeah?' Steph replied.

'Where the fuck do we go now?' I asked, highly confused.

'You know, if we DID know where to go we would be going there right now, Jesus Christ....' replied Lis sarcasticaly.

'I don't know why you need him but Jesus isn't here right now' I retorted.

Steph burst out laughing and Lis just rolled her eyes obviously annoyed. I have a brilliant idea! Instead of calling them by their names I can call them something shorter! That way it will be easier to type! Ok Steph is gonna be...Swamp and Lis is gonna be...Onion. I AM A FUCKING GENIUS, OH MY GOD!!! All of a sudden the silence was broken with:

'FIRS' YEARS! OVER HERE! COME ON! FIRS' YEARS!'

We looked over at a tall,tall man. He had an amazing beard! I looked around. A huddle of first years where all looking quite nervous. Some happy. Some excited. Some frantic. Some sad...wait why the fuck are they sad?! THEY ARE GOING TO THE BEST SCHOOL ON EARTH! HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF BITCHCRAFT AND TREACHERY!!!!.........right? Did I get the name right?....wait....was it..........was it Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry??...Oh well we'll never know I guess. The tall dude started talking again:

'Okay everyone. My name is Hagrid and I am keepers of keys at Hogwarts. I am also the grounds keeper and teacher of Care of Magical Creatures. I shall be escorting ye up ter Hogwarts. Now if you come along this way, we will reach the boats which will take us up to the castle'.

I walked along the group until we reached the bay. Oh my god. About a bajillion boats where parked at the dock.....ok so not a bajillion, I over-reacted, there where about 20? Anyways who the fuck cares about how much boats where there? Onion, Swamp and I found a boat together. Hagrid got them to move on their own with one single command. Jesus christ is EVERYTHING magic here?....or the boats are posessed by demons...hmm I think the latter. I got bored so I started to sing for no fucking reason, I am just that fabulous:

'Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do, so much to see
So what's wrong with taking the back streets?
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow

[Chorus:]
Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play
Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder
You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older
But the meteor men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin
The water's getting warm so you might as well swim
My world's on fire. How about yours?
That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas
I need to get myself away from this place
I said yep, what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see
So what's wrong with taking the back streets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold'.

As I finished Onion and Swamp started to applause. I dramatically bowed. Fuck yeah I am fabulous. Other people though were giving dirty looks. Fuck them, they can go to hell, they are just jealous of my fabulousness. Stupid fuckers. We finally reached the castle and JESUS CHRIST IT'S SO FUCKING HUGE!!!!!!! I could fit then swamps in their and it would STILL have more than enough room. Holy shit. I looked around once more. Again some where happy or excited or frantic or nervous yet some still remained sad?! I sang for those idiots! They find out they are living in practically a CASTLE? and they look sad? I will never understand them...assholes. We where greeted by what looked like the most stern person on earth! She was wearing emerald green robes and wore her hair in a bun. She led us a chamber the size of two swamps put together. She started talking. I zoned the fuck out. Suddenly we all started walking again...to a double of HUGE double-doors. We went through those and holy mother of fudge.....the Great Hall did that professor call it? Fuck it, that professor's name is now Professor McMuffin. Anyways I was pretty much impressed when I looked at the sky. It was enchanted to look like the fucking sky outside? I am not regretting one bit of this place. Professor McMuffin appeared out of no where carrying a stool and a very old hat. Some guy at the teacher's table with the MOST FABULOUS BEARD IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE stood up and prepared to start a speech. I zoned out AGAIN. His beard is so fabulous....I wonder if I could...charm it to braid and un-braid itself. That is DEFINITELY going on the list...what was the headmaster's name again?.....Dumbles? Dumbley?.....fuck I don't know anyone's name and I am a fucking wizard?...lets call him...Professor FabBeard. Perfect. Professor McMuffin suddenly said:

'I am going to call out your names and you will come up to get sorted hat.

Allison Potter'.

Onion walked up hesitantly up to the hat. She put it on and HOLY SHIT THAT THING TALKS!!! Suddenly after a couple of seconds the hat called out:

'SLYTHERIN'

An uproar started. The Slytherins started to cheer though confused. The glasses dude got mad. He had an outraged look on his face. Onion looked confused, worried and surprisd but suddenly the uproar got ended almost as quickly as it started. The Hat called out yet again:

'I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU.....GRYFFINDOR!!!!'

This time the Gryffindor table erupted in cheers. Glasses Dude looked happy. Onion's face broke out into a smile and skipped....yes skipped literally to the fucking table. Suddenly Prof McMuffin called out:

'Stephanie Wilson'

This time Swamp got up the podium and put on the hat. After a couple of seconds the Hat called out:

'GRYFFINDOR'

Gryffindor table again went crazy for it's second student of the term. Especially Onion. Swamp walked to the table happily. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hope we get the same house. Suddenly Prof McMuffin called out:

'Shrek the Ogre'

Some people burst out laughing, some wolf-whistled as I put on the dam Hat. Dam. Haven't been here for 10 minutes yet people already love me. Naturally. Cause I am fabulous as fuck. The Hat started to speak. In my mind of fucking course...:

'Hmmm, an ogre haven't had one of those in years
... a passion for pranking I see...... and quite reckless aswell......not alot of brain I see.....I know where exactly to put you......

GRYFFINDOR!!!!'

The table AGAIN burst out cheering. People must really do love me, lmfao. Onion and Swamp where cheeringas if their lives depended on it. And from the moment I sat down at the Gryffindor table I knew that this was gonna be a hectic year....