On The Fence

Chapter 16

That night was choir practice. Youth choir practice. Were all in  the sanctuary sitting where the choir would stand, talking...that is, until Connie walked into the sanctuary.

"Alright everyone! I hope you've been reviewing your notes from home 'cause we're gonna try and speed through this!" She yelled as she walked up to us.

Heheh...speed.- I thought

She stood in front of us and instructed everyone to stand to do vocal warm ups.

"Alright, sopranos, follow me. Let...us...praaaaise...and wor-ship....hiiiimm," she sang. "Now repeat it and keep going 'till I tell you to stop."

And we did. Then she moved to the altos, and gave them their note, told them to repeat it, and gave them the same directions. Then she did the same thing with the tenors. This warm up went on for almost five minutes by the time everyone was complaining about not being able to hit this or that note so she stopped and we all sat back down.

"So the song we're singing is.....Powerful God." She said.

"We sang that already," one of the tenors said.

"And we're singing it again," she gave him a rude look, "alright sopranos, you remember your notes?-"

"HEEY!!!" Someone screamed from the foyer.

We all jumped at how loud it was. I started to get nervous 'cause I know I haven't been the best christian lately and I don't know if that was any of the discerners getting something in their spirit or something because they like to make surprise stops at the church. It's scary sometimes. Who ever was yelling was now speaking in tongues.

"Mm-mm..." Damian, one of the tenors said, "who's been sinning? God's been watching you."

I looked at him with a shut up look on my face. He laughed.

"MMMM!! I HEAR YOU LORD!! YESS"

"Whatever it is," Connie said, "it must be big."

The mysterious person came marching into the sanctuary. Vangie Jones. She marched through the sanctuary, up and down the alter and then came over to the choir, where she took my hand and began to lead me out of the sanctuary. I heard whispering behind me and Cynthia's voice.

"Hmph! Karma. That's what happens when you take drugs--"

"Cynthia, I swear if you mention another word directly or indirectly to her, I will snatch you!!" Maggie interrupted.

I somewhat smiled but I was still scared with the fact that I was in so much trouble. Cynthia shut up though. Vangie took me into the washroom and stood in front of me, face stern, hand on hip, and finger wagging in my face.

"I'm going to tell you this now and I'm going to tell you this once! Stop it. You know what I'm talking about and you know what you're doing. If I have to tell you one more time, Breanne Simpson....."

I knew what she was talking about.

"You are going to end up in a position you don't want to be in. You are going to get yourself in trouble. Stop. Now. I'm telling you Breanne, to stOp. NOW."

I did want to stop. I didn't like the position I was in. I regretted taking the drugs and swearing in church. I was out of line and I admit that....but I didn't know how to stop. I needed help but I didn't know who to turn to. I didn't wanna turn to Miles because I knew he would talk me into something else that I probably would want to do. I didn't wanna turn to Jordan because I just don't really like confiding in family, which rules out my parents. I didn't wanna talk to Angiie because she's just gonna make me feel stupid again and talk like it's nothing and that I'm worrying too much. I didn't want to talk to Miguel, because I don't want him knowing all this stuff about me. I didn't want to turn to any seniors in the church that are grounded spiritually because I'm not about being rebuked or looked at like they know what I did wrong and that I'm not saved. I didn't even know if I was still saved. I was pretty sure I had just  lost all connection to God. I felt like I was in too deep and that I didn't even care anymore, that I should give up 'cause it was too late now....

When I got home, I decided to tell all of this to Maggie, 'cause right now, she was the only person I felt I could trust. You know what she said?

"Wow.."

All she could say was "wow" and that's was upset me because I gave this whole speech about how I couldn't trust anyone anymore because I didn't want anyone using what I did against me, thinking I could get something useful out of her. So I poured out my feelings and thoughts to her, spilling out everything, trusting her with ALL THIS INFORMATION that she didn't need to know. Information that is none of her business, I didn't have to tell her but I chose to and it was a mistake. This was why I didn't talk to many people about my business. This was why I kept everything to myself. Why I would hold everything in and just say I was fine when someone asked me what was wrong. It was none of their business so I didn't tell them. It wasn't like they could help me anyways. If someone ate food that was mine, it's not like anyone could have found them and made them give it to me. It was gone. What's done was done. No point. I officially lost hope.

"Yea," I finally said, "Ummm.....I'm gonna hang up now. I'll talk to you later."

"Alright, bye."

At that point I really wanted to cry. I could feel it coming up but I was trying to hold it in. It didn't work. I cried. And cried, and cried and my teddy bear was soaked. My phone rang and I checked the caller ID. Miguel.

Snap- I thought.

I sniffed, dried my eyes, cleared my throat and put my 'just chillin'' voice.

"Hey, Miguel, what's up?"

"Hey, Bree. I'm good. You okay?"

"Uhh, yea I'm fine. Are you okaay?"

"I'm good. I don't know why I'm calling, but I just felt like there was something wrong. You wanna talk?"

I sighed, "I do but...."

The line was silent.

"I'm just so...." I began, "tired, Miguel. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. Like, I can't talk to anyone anymore. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Maybe because you understood me that day in the caf. Honestly, I wish I knew someone who.....someone that...knows me and I mean knows me. Like, knows when I need a hug or knows when I need to be left alone. Someone that won't just tell me that what I'm doing is wrong but will help me through it. Someone who won't just say 'oh' when I tell them my problems and I thought I did have someone like that; I thought I had Miles but I guess I don't. I just--I don't know, maybe I'm crazy because It's like there is no one in this world that can do that. They have some of those things but at the same time none of those things. They may have all of those things but next thing you know they change and I hate that--"

"Yea I know what you mean. I'm really sorry you're going through what you're going through. I wish I could do something..you can always trust me though.."

"It's okay, don't worry about it."

"If you need anything, I'm here. And I have no problem with giving you a hug anytime you need it." He laughed.

"Thank you." I smiled, at the fact that I guess there's always one person that cares..

"Ummm, I actually have to get going but I hope we can talk some other time...you know, when you're not ditching class."

I laughed, "yea sure."

I hung up and instantly searched my phone for Ashton's number.... I surprisingly found it. I figured if I wanted to change, I could start by cutting him off.  So I texted him to leave me alone from now on. He texted me back instantly; like he was waiting for me.

I knew you still had my number ;)