Fading Out (COMPLETED)

Chapter eight

"Oh fuck Izzy no!" I roar searching the sheets frantically, I can't find her and I sob.
"Hey Cole, everything is fine man. Take a breath" Coop places a gentle hand on my shoulder and I cover my face.
Oh no, another fucking nightmare.
"Sorry" I groan embarrassed.
"I would be kinda worried about you dreaming of my girl but by the sound of it it wasn't anything to be jealous of" Coop rubs my back sitting on the edge of my bed and I shudder a breath.
"No" I tell him and uncover my face to face the music.
"Wanna talk about it?" He asks passing my water to me.
I sigh and take a sip.
"You found her right? Your mum?" I ask not looking at him.
"When she died? Yeah it was just the two of us, as far as I could tell she never had boyfriends. That's how I know it was an accident, she wouldn't have let me find her if she had the choice" he tells me softly.
"You were so much younger than me... do you still think about it? Can you still see her in your head?"
"Yes"
"Does it ever stop?" I shudder.
"I hope so" he shrugs.
"He kills her, in my dreams. Izzy" I breathe. "In my dreams my mother is not my mother and I find Izzy. I see her like that and it's so real I can even smell the stench of death in the air. I can never save her because he kills me first, I drown but I wake up in my bed and Izzy is next to me. She doesn't wake up" I say without looking at him.
"That's fucked up. I'm so sorry you have to know all that, what drowning feels like and what death smells like"
"I've been dreaming of my own death since I woke up, I didn't tell Izzy but I was dead. Thirteen minutes and twenty seven seconds I was flatlined, I imagine it was some Greys anatomy shit. There would've been dramatic music and long stares of desperation as they shocked my heart while some sexy doctor straddled my chest performing CPR with tears in her eyes because something about me reminded her of her first broken heart. There was no white light, no Nicolas Cage or Hayley what's his name.. that kid that only ever made that one movie. Fuck I would've settled on Whoopi but all I remember is darkness. My lungs were on fire and I knew the only thing that would put it out was to take a breath, there was no air. I couldn't find her in the darkness, I thought she was dead too. I took the breath but it didn't ease the burn, it made it worse and even though I knew better panic set in, I tell everyone it was like falling asleep but it wasn't it was like falling into hell. Maybe that's where I'm destined? Maybe I was on the hellhound express. For fifteen years I've drowned every fucking night, I thought that was torture enough but then my generous mother gave me something new to dream about. She was always caring like that. That night with Sam, when Iz.... her eyes. I thought I lost her, I just got her I couldn't lose her too. She wouldn't wake up, she never wakes up" I can't look at his face.
"Christ" Coop breathes heavy and sullen then pulls me into his chest without another word.
He holds me and I'm not sure if he's shaking or I'm shaking him but he doesn't let go, I try to stop them but my tears fall uninvited.

"What do I say to him? To a man who could kill his own son like that? His wife? What could he possibly have to say to me?" I ask with simmering rage into the long silence that follows.
"I don't know brother but I do know you don't have to hear it alone" Coop keeps me against his shoulder with a hand in my hair.
"Have I said thank you? You know after all this time you could of just blown me off, we have no childhood bond. No us against the world coming of age stories. No magical Christmas memories or nightmares of camping in the rain as kids, you owe me nothing. You could of taken your girl and said no thanks I'm fine without a brother. You could have saved yourself the headache"
"That's true, nothing in our past holds us together. You were there when Iz told me who you were, I was ready to kick your ass for touching her. I was so angry thinking you were taking her from me but the word brother stopped me in my tracks. I didn't want to believe it because instantly I knew I would give her up for you, I would do anything to have a brother. I knew I wanted a future with you in it, I hated my father and swore I would never have anything to do with him. It didn't matter you were is son because you were my brother. I don't need camping trips and blanket forts to know that Cole"
"Don't kid yourself there is no giving her up, there is no take backs when you love someone like her" I whisper.
"I'm sorry she chose me Cole, obviously not for myself but for you. I know you love her, how you love her and I'm sorry you have to stand by and watch her love someone else. I do know it's the reason you are sinking, but you hold on. I could never be that strong" he whispers too
"You can't tell her, I'm her brother. That's how she loves me. It would kill her to know she is the reason I can't go on. It hurts so much but she is also the reason I keep fighting"
Coop takes my wrist and looks at Izzy's anklet, he holds the heart in his fingers and sighs.
"Whatever you share is between the two of you, it doesn't involve me" he shakes his head.
"Of course it does, you are her husband. Cooper, Isabel is your woman, not mine. She's never mine. Every thought she has involves you. I understand why, you do smell so fucking good bro" I tease him and he finally lets me go.
"You think I'm the good guy, the good brother but that's not true. That title is yours Cole" he tells me as he shuts himself in the bathroom. "Oh god why are we awake at five am?" He groans through the door.