Corey lays in bed with Missy next to him, he regrets everything that just happened. Corey let Missy take his virginity. He wasn't going to at first, but he let her keep going. He was put under a spell as her hands roamed and his body, it's like he couldn't have stopped her even if he wanted to. His parents told him when you give that part of you away, it needs to bed with someone you love. And while it was happening, Corey didn't feel love. He didn't have that feeling of butterflies and pure happiness that his parents told him about. Corey gets up and walks into his bathroom.
His attention goes to a picture taped to his mirror, him and Sarah Ruth. It wasn't long ago, maybe a year, and he smiles at the memory. The pictures was taken while they both sat on a elephant at the circus. Corey remembers Sarah Ruth hiding in his hug as the clowns walked around, basically scaring the shit out of her. And he remembers her laughing as the donkeys chased around the performers. Out of all the pictures on his mirror, only one doesn't have Sarah Ruth's face in it.
Corey sighs and splashes water on his face, and goes back to his room. When he sees his bed, it's empty. Missy left without a word. The feeling of regret becomes bigger, and Corey can't fight the tears making their way down his face. Corey hasn't cried since the time Sarah Ruth was in a car accident two years ago. That's who he needs right now, he needs Sarah Ruth. But he knows that Sarah Ruth doesn't want to see him. But he also knows that he needs her right now.
He ignores all the things telling him no, and climbs out his window and across the tree. Corey knocks on the window, and Sarah Ruth comes into view. She almost shuts the curtains until she sees the tears making their way down Corey's face. Sarah Ruth knows something's wrong if Corey's crying, she's never seen him cry. He claims to have when she was in the hospital, but she didn't see it of course. Sarah Ruth opens her window and Corey wastes no time to come in and hug Sarah Ruth. She hesitates at first, but soon hugs him back. Sarah Ruth misses the feeling of his arms wrapped around her. "I'm made a big mistake," Corey says. Sarah Ruth pulls away and looks into his eyes, all she sees is pain. "Tell me Corey," Corey opens his mouth to speech but the tears fog his thinking.
Sarah Ruth sits him down on her bed and he lays his head on her pillows. "Corey, what is it?" He sits back up and sees the worried expression on his face. It takes him a few tries, he keeps choking on his words and dodging the actual answer. "Mi-Missy, she, she," Sarah Ruth grabs Corey's hands trying to calm him down. Sarah Ruth can already feel the rage in her thinking about the fact she made him cry. "Missy got what she wanted and left me," this is the best thing Corey can get out. "What do you mean?" Corey doesn't want to explain, it hurts to explain. Sarah Ruth looks at him confused, then she realizes what he means. She gets off he bed and backs away from him, in complete shock. "You had sex with her?" Sarah Ruth's voice cracks as she asks this.
Corey nods, and she gasps. Her heart breaks more than it already has, and Corey has no idea why it's hurting her just as much as him. Sarah Ruth holds her hands over her eyes as she cries, but then she feels Corey's arms wrap around her. "Why are you crying?" He asks. "I knew she was going to do this. She was going to get what she wanted, then leave. You didn't listen to me Corey, you didn't listen!" All her emotions are building up. The death of her brother, the bullying, the humiliation, everything that's ever hurt her is just coming out. "Why did you do it Corey?" She pulls away from his hug and stares into his crying blue eyes. "I don't know," he says honestly.
"She doesn't love you! Why couldn't you see that!" Corey knows she's right. And he knows he's been too blinded to realize how much of a whore she was. Corey feels betrayed, stupid, and most of all, broken. "Thanks for the reminder Sarah Ruth, you're not helping!" Corey raises his voice also. Sarah Ruth leans against her bedroom wall a closes her eyes, trying to stop the tears. She knows that she shouldn't be crying, she's not the one who was left right after something that important happened.
"I regret it so much," Corey says breaking the silence. She looks at his pain filled voice, but she doesn't say anything. "I said I love you while it was happening, and she didn't answer. That's when I should have stopped, I wish I did." Sarah Ruth has spent the past years hoping they would be each other's first, but that dream is gone. "You didn't feel what you thought you were going to, did you?" He looks at her oddly, like she knows exactly how he felt during the whole thing. "No, I didn't." Sarah Ruth shakes her head, Corey never thinks before he does things. But neither does she.
Corey sits down at her desk and opens it, and sees a black book, and proceeds to open it. Sarah Ruth is leaned against the wall looking at the ground deep in thought, and Corey turns to a random page.
Wednesday, September.
I'm falling apart. I feel the weight on my shoulders constantly, I feel worthless constantly. Yesterday, I did something bad, but I don't regret it. I would do it again actually, and I shouldn't. That's what's scaring me, I'm hurting myself. And I think I'm enjoying it? It's all so wrong, I hate when people make me feel bad. But yet there I was yesterday afternoon slicing a razor into my perfectly fine skin. There's no one for me-
"What are you doing!" Sarah Ruth yanks the book from hands and throws it into the drawer, slamming it shut. Corey looks at her with complete shock. He grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her onto the bed before sitting on top of her, keeping her from moving. "Give me your arm, now!" She shakes her head and cries as he grabs ahold on her left arm and pulls down the sleeve, Sarah Ruth didn't put bandages on them because they weren't bad anymore. She cries harder when he sees what she had done to herself. Corey holds onto each side of her face and says, "Why would you do that?" She can't see through her tears. "I don't know," she answers.
Corey gets off the top of her, but she doesn't move. "Why?" He asks again. "I don't-" "Yes you do!" Sarah Ruth tenses when he yells at her. She doesn't want to tell him why, she can't. "I can't tell you," she says. Corey becomes angry, "I told you I lost my virginity. But you can't tell me why you fucking cut yourself?" Sarah Ruth sits up, she wants to tell him. "You won't be friends with me anymore." He looks at her confused, "Nothing will make me ever leave you Sarah Ruth."
She takes a deep breath, and he pulls her into a hug. "I just need you to tell me, I can help." She pushes him away, "See, that's the thing, you can't." Corey hold her hand and looks Sarah Ruth deep in the eyes, "Yes you can. Now tell me!" "I can't Corey, stop telling me to!" The yelling starts again. "Sarah Ruth, just fucking tell me! I want to help!"
"Corey you can't help!" Corey picks up the empty glass lying on the table next to her bed and slams it on the ground, glass going all over her wooded floor. "Yes I can!" "No-" "Stop saying no and just tell me!"
"I love you!"
