INEVITABLE; taehyung [✓]

9;

i stood atop my balcony, my hands lightly gripping the cold metal safety fence, chill bumps slowly arising on my bare arms and legs, for i was outside on below freezing weather in a tank top and shorts.

a cold breeze began to blow, slightly moving the leaves on the trees in front of my balcony, which felt so close that i could practically reach out and grab a leaf. the leaves were beautiful at night, although they were tough to see, the streetlights mixed with the light from the moon and stars illuminated the trees around my house perfectly, showcasing the beautifully crafted mixture of brown, red, and orange leaves. although it was fall, winter was quickly coming, as we had already had gentle flurries here and there, and each day that passed, a few leaves began to fall from the tree limbs.

with each autumn leaf that fell from the tree limbs, tiny fragments of my heart heart began to chip off and fall as well. in metaphorical terms, my heart was the tree, and the falling leaves resembled my happiness. with each leaf that fell, my happiness level fell.

each day that passed, i grew more sad, falling more into the hole that is chronic depression, a hole which i had known all too well. i popped sleeping pills every time the thoughts came back when i first discovered the hole of depression, but nowadays, my mother keeps our medicine locked up, out of my reach. so, i cannot sleep my pain and depressing thoughts away. instead, i waste my life away, staring at the same thing almost every night- the tree parallel to my balcony.

i began to crawl out of the hole, and i was doing a fine job of doing so. i began to smile once more, a thing i hadn't done often during those dark days. i went outside with jessica and her friends, and felt as if i was finally normal.

then jessica died, and the metaphorical depression monster i had been fending away for months tugged me back down. i tried to keep my head strong, but my heart just wouldn't let me go away from jessica.

i blamed myself for her death everyday, knowing that if i was a responsible older sister and made her stay home, no matter how much she disliked me in that moment, she would still be alive to do this day. which was the reason for my suicide attempt.

i hadn't noticed i was crying, as a small tear trickled from my eye and down my cheek, and i quickly wiped it away with my thumb, sniffling. i removed my other hand from the safety fence, taking one last look at the tree, watching intently as a red leaf fell from a tree limb, treading the cold autumn breeze as it made its journey to the ground, landing on the pile of leaves that had already fallen.

//

"you seem.. off." miyoung observed, taking a small swig of her mandatory tim hortons peppermint mocha. i wrapped both of my hands gently around my coffee cup, warming up my cold, red hands as i kept my gaze on the sidewalk, avoiding any eye contact with miyoung.

"i'm fine." my voice was tired and raspy, as if i had just crawled out of bed. i took a sip of my black coffee, the bitter taste slightly easing my stress and tiredness.

"you don't sound fine."

"i am," i looked up, sniffling, my eyes droopy and tired. "i am." i repeated, slowly lifting my coffee cup to my lips and taking another long, stress relieving drink. i sighed in content at the miraculous flavor, going in for another drink. black coffee was addictive. not just the bitter and strong flavor, but the stress relieving properties within the brew. i noticed i was gently shaking, the contents within my warm coffee cup slightly swishing back and forth. although the sound was faint, i was close enough to my cup to be able to hear the slight swishing.

"jenna-ah, i'm worried about you," miyoung grabbed my wrist, tugging me to a stop, then pulling me behind a tree and out of the stream of people walking on the crowded sidewalk. i was caught off guard due to my still injured ankle, though, as i fell into miyoung, who rested me gently against the tree trunk. "you're pale, your eyes are sunken in, you've lost weight, you're weak. and your ankle," she pointed towards my ankle, which had a slim, copper infused pain reducing brace on it. i glimpsed towards my ankle before miyoung began to speak once again, "you need to get it checked out."

"i have a brace." i pointed out, miyoung's eyes flickering towards the black brace on my ankle, which she disregarded. "you need an x-ray."

"i'm," my knees buckled, and i fell forward, and luckily miyoung was there to catch me. she supported me back against the tree trunk, this time placing one hand beside my head, just as a safety precaution in case i fell again. "okay." my voice sounded pitiful, weak and broken, each word dripping with mourn. i was growing more depressed each second of each and every day, my once genuine smiles beginning to falter into forced, tortured smiles.

"you're not okay, you're getting weaker. you look sickly. and you're so skinny. jenna-ah, why won't you go to the doctor?" miyoung grabbed onto my wrist, measuring the width of it, and i quickly tugged it away as she neared the hem of my sleeve, her fingers beginning to hook underneath my sleeve, about to tug it up. "you're not.. you better not be. jenna, i will tell your mother."

"i'm not, i'm not. don't overreact. those are my old ones, they aren't new. i haven't since.. well, you know." i pressed my lips into a thin line, looking down at my shoes, ashamed of my past, and present self. "i'm ashamed of them."

"they're battle scars, jenna." miyoung was the type to look on the bright side of every bad situation. even if there wasn't a bright side to a certain scenario, she always made one up to help ease the tension.

miyoung reached for my sleeve, beginning to tug it up, a sliver of one of my 'battle scars' beginning to show, and i quickly pushed her hand away and tugged my sleeve back down, pulling it over my hand. "just drop it, okay? i'm fine."

"have you been taking your medicine? your mother said she's been giving it to you everyday." miyoung dragged on the conversation, not acknowledging my plea to cut it short.

"yes, miyoung." that was a lie. my mother did give me my medicine every night, yes, but i tossed it off of my balcony after the coast was clear. i hadn't realized if she noticed i was acting different or not, but i tried to keep a mask on of what i was whilst on my medicine while i was around her. "can we drop it now, please? i'm cold." i shivered, chill bumps arising on my arms.

miyoung sighed, dropping her arm and nodding hesitantly. "i'm just worried about you. whatever is happening to you, it's scaring me. i don't want a repeat of what happened before." miyoung's voice grew raspy and low, resembling my own, but with a tinge of more life hidden within the sadness in her tone. "just promise me you won't try that again."

"i promise."

although i was usually the type of person to keep their promises, at this point in time, i was unsure if i could.

//

if any of you are confused about the last paragraph of the first section of the chapter, let me explain;

so, a few paragraphs earlier she was explaining the tree/ heart metaphor. how her heart resembled the tree, and the leaves resembled her happiness. every time a leaf fell, a piece of the happiness in her heart fell as well.

in the last paragraph, she watched a leaf give up and slowly fall to the ground, landing in a pile of other fallen leaves. you see, she is watching her happiness slowly leave, and she's not doing anything about it. and how the leaf landed on the pile of other leaves, its a metaphor that the fallen pieces of her heart can be rejoined with the rest of her heart with help.

that help being the season changing to spring. since trees grow new leaves in the spring, that means that new leaves can grow in place of the old ones- new leaves being her newfound happiness and the old leaves being her depression. she still had to face winter, which was going to be the hardest time of her life, but in the end, spring will bring her happiness.

taehyung represents spring.

taehyung is her newfound happiness that will help her "grow more leaves in place of the old fallen ones". he's the one that'll help her leave her depression behind.