I sat cross legged on the deck of the boat in my bikini, my heavily pregnant stomach absorbing some rays of sunshine. It was a beautifully sunny Saturday afternoon and I'd just finished my shift at the diner. Jim was over, helping me out on the boat and we'd stopped for lunch. The boat was almost complete and the marina was really becoming my home. The combination of living and working part time in a close proximity allowed me to meet so many new people and I was right at home with my new little surrogate family.
I'd practically inhaled my sandwich and I was still starving. I'd had an easy pregnancy so far, I'd been very lucky with that, but this baby was apparently in a growth spurt. I'd been eyeballing the chips Jim hadn't eaten yet for several minutes and he started to softly laugh at me, handing me the rest of the bag, which I gladly dug into. He'd been great- as had everyone I'd met so far. I was overwhelmed by his help and his friendship.
"Hey guys, what's goin on? Stevie, mind if I grab a beer?"
I turned to see Andy from the mechanic's shop hopping on board.
"Help yourself, Andy, you know where they are," I told him. They always knew I'd have a few cans in the fridge if the guys popped by.
He returned to the deck and joined Jim and I, handing Jim a new can.
"Thanks, man," Jim nodded his appreciation at Andy, cracking another cold one.
"You talk to her yet," Andy asked him.
"Talk to me about what," I chimed in, glancing at both of them over my large sunglasses.
"Well," Jim cleared his throat. "The guys and I, we all talked it over, an we want to refinish the exterior of your hull."
"I- I can't-" I began.
"Now before you say it," Jim continued, "this is our gift to you. We want to do it, and we'd be glad to do it. Consider it a baby gift. We want to make sure you and that little one are all set."
"You guys are amazing." I was instantly emotional, crying and hugging both of them.
"All you have to do is tell us what you want to name this beauty," he gestured to the boat. "Every boat needs a name."
I smiled, thinking quickly but never questioning my selection. "Frozen Love," I told him. "I want to name her Frozen Love."
"Frozen Love," Andy questioned. "What's that?"
"It's a song," I explained, my eyes somewhat glossing over as I stared at the horizon, giving them a little sample.
"Life gave me you; the change was made
And there's no beginning over
You are not happy but what is love
Hate gave you me for a lover"
They both kind of glanced at each other and then I realized they were staring at me.
"Wow, I didn't know you could sing," Jim remarked.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Another life. But as soon as this little one makes their grand appearance," I rubbed my bump, "I'm sure I'll start singing again. I miss performing," I smiled.
The two nodded their heads and told me they'd get to work the next day, Andy heading out and Jim pulling up a chair.
"Alright, Stevie," he began. "I know we haven't said much because frankly its none of our business, but you know, we are all a little worried about what's going to happen when your little one gets here."
"What do you mean?" I wasn't catching on.
"Well the um, the father... he's..." Jim knew I'd been through a bad breakup, but I'd intentionally left out the specifics. I didn't mean to be deceptive, it just wasn't overly relevant and I wanted to get away from all of that.
"He's not around, no," I stated bluntly. "And that's not going to change."
"Does he even know he's going to be s father?"
I shook my head that he did not, attempting not to let on how much that very fact was killing me. "Its hard to keep up with him," I told Jim vaguely. "But I know on some level I'll always be able to reach him." So many years I'd dreamed about this- and I knew that Lindsey would have made such an incredible dad. 'Would have' being the key words in that sentence. I feel like I don't even know him anymore.
"Well, that's your business, I guess," Jim told me, taking the last long swig of his beer. "I don't know who this guy is, but I can't imagine what he was thinking when he walked out on you." He gave my shoulder a squeeze as he walked by, placing the bottle in the recycling bin and walking to the stern of the boat to head home.
"Night, Jim," I offered.
"Night, Stevie. See you tomorrow."
I retreated back to my little cocoon of a bed, pulling the covers up snugly around my waist as I sat and read through some of my mail. I flipped the radio on for some gentle company. As the last note of guitar faded out the DJ came back on with some news updates for the area and tomorrow's weather.
"And in Entertainment," he continued, "Lindsey Buckingham, heartthrob guitarist for rock band Fleetwood Mac, has just announced the release of a solo album, expected out next month. Quite a departure from the band he's in now, but who wouldn't want to hear more out of that guy?"
I stopped what I was doing and turned to look at the radio, as thought it may actually offer me a bit of solace or further explanation. Topic changed before I heard another word, but I didn't need any more information. He was going solo- without me. It wasn't just a quick gig with a band any more. This was the end. He wasn't holding out for us any more.
My own words haunted me the rest of the evening.
And if you go forward, I'll meet you there
And if you climb up through the cold freezing air
Look down below you search out above
And cry out to life for a frozen love
