Lane opened up eventually and the afternoon felt less tense once we all calmed down. Lindsey's reassurance made me feel more at ease in this new environment and I'm sure Lane picked up on that. We'd all visited casually for a few hours and then ordered dinner from a little Italian place on Lindsey's block. The conversation was easy and casual, Lane becoming the center of attention as he got to know Lindsey's side of the family- asking me in no uncertain terms if he could have brothers like Daddy does. I know my eyes had to widen to the size of saucers and I'm sure I turned bright red but I was able to change the topic before too many questions could come up.
I'd fed Lane, who had loads of fun playing with his uncles all afternoon, his own dinner and a small piece of dessert and put him to bed, returning to the porch with a glass of white wine.
I sat down next to Ruth, very aware of everyone else's absence.
"They're down in the parking garage looking at Jeff's new car," she informed me.
"Ah," I took another sip from my glass, rocking back in my chair.
"Stevie, I think you and I need to have a little chat," she began.
I immediately tensed at her words. I knew it was coming- I just didn't know when or how.
I took another large drink of wine before sitting the glass down and leaning back in my chair again, pulling my legs under. I took a deep breath, unsure of my footing in this situation. "I owe you an explanation-"
"You don't owe me anything, dear," she interrupted. "I've had a wide variety of emotions towards this whole situation," she gestured indiscriminately into the darkness, "but to be truthful with you, mother to mother, I'm not sure that I would have done much differently."
I stopped moving, my eyes looking up to meet hers. I didn't know what to say.
"I love my son. And I know that you can understand that I'll always want to look out for him- but I know you understand that. I'll never know exactly what happened between you and Lindsey to get to this point- and I don't need to- but it's easy to see you're still the same lovely person you have always been, and that Lindsey's still as in love with you as the day he met you. You don't need to justify anything to me. I just want you to know that."
I nodded my head in comprehension, though I was taking a moment to truly understand what she was saying."And I would like you to know how truly sorry I am," I added with a shaky voice. "I was honestly doing what I thought was best for Lane at the time, but I know I took something from all of you that I can never give back. I hope you'll be open to spending time with him and getting to know him. He's a great little guy- and he absolutely idolizes Lindsey's," I smiled at the thought.
"That's easy to see," she slowly nodded her head in agreement. "You've really done a remarkable job with him. And with Lindsey too. I have seen a real change in him. I wasn't sure what it was at first but you've always had a way with him." She patted my arm softly. "But I can't help but notice you seem... hesitant."
I nodded my head, unsure if I should open up right now.
"Let me give you some advice," she continued, in a very motherly way. "I've seen you two together and apart for years- through the good and the bad. I know the chemistry is there and I know you have a wall up with him- u know that you're probably afraid for Lane but if you two keep fighting it you'll never know if something incredible is could happen. So let that feeling grab you deep inside, and send you reeling where your love can't hide. And then go stealing through the summer nights with your love."
"Sometimes I think I've forgotten how this all works," I admitted. "I just- my priorities have shifted and I don't want to do this wrong- to make a mistake with him."
"Just let your love flow, like a mountain stream. And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams, and let your love show- And you'll know what I mean." She gave me a gentile smile and I did know what she meant.
I'd questioned Lindsey's sincerity in a relationship with me because I was afraid he was trying to just play happily ever after with Lane, but more and more I'd realized that wasn't the case- for either of us. There's a reason for the warm sweet nights. Neither of our feelings for each other ever went away.
It wasn't long before Ruth and I were joined on the porch and our moment of privacy was over, but I felt that she and I had made some kind of a truce- and that was a weight off of my shoulders.
I Lindsey sat down next to me and pulled me onto his lap as the conversation turned to old times. He listened to Richard and his brothers swap stories about the two of us as he pulled me closer. I was unsure of where we were headed but right in this moment, I didn't mind. I leaned back against him and smiled, interjecting my own commentary into the story Richard was telling. Lindsey laughed along with all of us, lightly kissing the top of my head.
Lindsey's family left with promises of a return trip in the very near future. I assured his mother I'd send photos and we saw them out. The apartment was ours once again and I know we were both relieved to have that day out of our way.
He sighed heavily, his hand still resting on the front door. I wrapped my arms around his waist, offering unspoken support for the wide range of emotions he was likely trying to process.
"You're staying with me, right?"
I nodded that I was, tonight and always, and we made our way to the bedroom, barely getting our shoes off before falling asleep on top of the covers.
