I woke up on the couch in the living room, the sun shining through the windows. Last night had not gone as I'd planned, but he had every right to be furious at me and I knew it. I felt like a terrible person. As much as I wanted to run again, I refused. I was going to stick it out for myself and for Lindsey, but most importantly for Lane. I got dressed and washed my face in his guest bathroom before walking into his bedroom to check on him. He was watching TV an didn't acknowledge my presence when I walked in.
"Good Morning," I told him in passing as I walked into his bathroom and started the shower.
He simply glared at me.
"What?" I asked, walking over to him with some plastic to cover his cast.
He shifted uncomfortably. "Oh Lindsey, get over it. You've got a broken ankle and cracked ribs. You're not going to be able to do it yourself. Just let me help you." I placed a towel on the bed and left him alone to undress. Keep it together, I coached myself upon my return. He still has such a gorgeous body. I wrapped his cast in plastic and helped him to the shower making sure his abdominal incision was properly covered as well. His shower had a seat, fortunately, and I knew he could take it from there. I left an extra towel on the hook.
"Yell if you need me," I told him, leaving and closing the door most of the way.
I sat on the edge of his bed, staying within earshot. I'd unloaded on him the night before and I felt awful about it- I just didn't want to wait any longer. I'm sure he has a million thoughts running through his head, and I was trying to give him as much space as he needed to process it all. Yes, he'd said some truly awful things to me too but given the situation I couldn't dwell on that right now. He was shocked and angered by my revelation, I'm sure. And while I wasn't going to merely let his words go, I also wasn't going to over analyze what he'd yelled at me in a fit of anger.
I heard a few bottles fall in the shower and I stood, calling into him, asking if I could come in.
"Just a minute," he snapped back. I heard a few seconds pass before he uttered a string of words laced with profanity.
"Lindsey?" I questioned again.
"Oh just come in!" He was frustrated.
I opened the door and handed him his towel, which he grabbed hastily from my hand and quickly wrapped up with. I helped him over to the large tub in the center of his bathroom and he took a seat as I grabbed a few things to take care of the cuts on his face that were still healing.
I was somewhat surprised when he didn't put up a fight, and I stood there in the silence tenderly applying an antibacterial with a q-tip. I glanced down at him a few times and he was staring off into nothing, clearly lost in his own thoughts.
"What's his name?"
I was startled at the question, finally making eye contact with him, but not stopping what I was doing. I was suddenly overwhelmed by nerves. I knew him in and out- and therefore I realized that he'd likely been processing his new role as a father all night. Yes, he was furious and spiteful last night, but I could plainly see that he was also confused and heartbroken.
"Lane. His name is Lane Bodhi."
"Bodhi?" He raised an eyebrow at me. "Sounds like his mom must be a hippie or something," he said with a smirk.
This elicited a smile from me, glad that the tension was beginning to subside. "Like the Bodhi tree. You know, sacred and enlightened."
"Lane Bodhi," he repeated thoughtfully.
"LB," I almost whispered.
He closed his eyes and bit his lip, placing his hand on the back of my thigh as I stood in front of him and giving it a squeeze. "God, what have I done," he said, barely loud enough to be audible, a sharp intake of breath following. It was almost as if he was only thinking it, but fighting off a breakdown in his own mind. "What have I put you through, angel?"
I stopped what I was doing and lightly ran my hand against his cheek, causing him to open his eyes and look at me. I could tell he had a million more questions he wasn't asking, but was still telling me volumes. He says something loving, without hesitation it hits me. It feels so unfamiliar. His touch stays on my skin, I feel it start sinking in. His touch My eyes were already tearing up but I spoke anyway. I do myself a disservice to feel this weak, to be this nervous. "He's smart and kind, he loves to swim and he has his daddy's good looks," I added, running my fingers shamelessly through Lindsey's curls. "And I'm so sorry," I squeaked out before bursting into tears.
"Shhh," he now comforted me. "It's okay. You've been through so much, and I didn't make it easy on you. I should have been there for you. For him."
"I never intended to keep him from you," I cried, my face buried in his chest as he gently rubbed my back, kissing the top of my hair and wrapping me up in his protective arms.
"I don't know what this is," he told me softly. "But it doesn't feel wrong. This is what we've always wanted, isn't it? It might be hard but I'm in this with you now. It's all going to be okay in the end."
We sat there for a few minutes before I pulled away, wiping my eyes and trying to regain my composure by focusing on anything else. I finished placing a bandage back on his forehead and he leaned on me as we got him back to bed. Instead of flipping on the TV though, he patted the spot next to him, motioning for me to come over. I sat down, although hesitantly. I didn't want another verbal altercation.
"Tell me more about him," he asked.
My baby boy is my favorite thing in the world, so I was glad to gush about him. "Oh," I hopped up as soon as I glanced at the clock, "I have to get to work." I'd lost track of time.
"Don't go today," Lindsey stated flatly. "You're doing so much for me already, I can pay you."
"I don't want your money. This is complicated enough as it is." No matter how cordial our morning had become, we were far from okay. The the previous night hadn't disappeared from my mind, and though it may have been in the heat of the moment his words still stung me. His entire sentiment had pushed me to prove I was okay without him. To make him see that Lane and I were making it.
"I'm not saying you do. I just, I don't think I can stay alone. Look, I'll pay your rent for the month for helping me. How about that?"
I laughed. "I won't go today- but I'm not taking anything from you, either. I'm doing just fine, Lindsey." I called the diner and got my shift covered, placing the phone back into its cradle, Lindsey's questions continuing almost as soon as I was off the line.
"When can I meet him? Where is he? Can you bring him over right now?"
"Oh," I quickly attempted to formulate a response that wouldn't provoke him. "Well he's at my friend MaryAnn's. And he goes to preschool during the day. And Lindsey I want you to be a part of his life, I really do. But we need to get you better first, okay? I'm not going to keep him from you- I'll never keep him from you. But you're going through a lot this week..."
"Seriously? You've had him every day of his life and now that's exactly what you're doing- You are keeping him from me!"
"Lindsey!" I shot him a warning glance. "You're injured, you're in pain and you're detoxing. He's a three and a half year old boy- I can't have you yelling like this and going on about who knows what with him around! YOU aren't the priority here! HE IS!"
His eyes widened but he didn't dare cross me about this. "Am I too needy? Am I too eager? What, Stevie? Tell me."
"It's not that, Lindsey. Its just that, well, today is going to be the hardest day for you. Let's just get you through it and maybe tomorrow or the next day," I compromised. "I don't want to rush things and make this a more difficult situation for everyone. We're in this together, Lindsey. I'm on your team here."
"You try your best to reassure me, but I almost expect you to leave," he muttered to himself. He shook his head, flipping on the TV, letting me know with no words that he was irritated with my general presence at this particular moment, but at least he was keeping everything in check. I stood and wandered to the kitchen, leaning onto the countertop and placing my head into my hands saying a silent prayer for patience today. I was going to need it.
