I was upset to say the very least. I'm not sure what I had expected to come from tonight's encounter but it was safe to say I wasn't anticipating that. I know how he gets about his music, and his demeanor in the studio, and that obviously hadn't changed much.
I put Lane to bed, giving him some extra love and laying with him for a few minutes, watching him sleep contently. Eventually I brushed his soft curls from his forehead and gave him a gentle kiss before retreating to bed myself. I took a sip of my tea, knowing what needed to be done. I reached into the top drawer of my nightstand and pulled out the letter Lindsey had sent me so many years ago, finally opening the envelope. I stared at the folded paper for several minutes before actually working up the nerve to read it. I didn't even make it through the first line before I began to cry, the tears pouring out of me at the sentiment in his words.
He told me about the guilt he felt, about how he missed me on the road, and how he could never betray my trust. He explained that the night I called him was a big misunderstanding, that Mick had thrown a party in his room. That he thought of me every day and was just dying to get home to me. That he wanted to talk about getting back into the studio, just the two of us, and about our relationship. He had never let go of the idea of the two of us raising a little family and spending all of our days together. He'd enclosed a ticket for me to join him that very next day. He said he couldn't wait any more and not being able to see me was killing him. He told me he'd be at the airport, waiting.
But I'd been too stubborn to open the letter. I was sobbing, thinking of all the misunderstandings, all the wasted time and the years of torture we'd both put ourselves through. I couldn't get the mental image I'd created of him waiting for me at the airport out of my head. What he must have assumed when I didn't come.
My eyes drifted repeatedly back to the second page, the lyrics to a Beach Boys song scrawled out before me:
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
I picked up my phone and dialed Lindsey's home number, not wanting to wait another minute. It rang and rang, a machine finally picking up. I left a brief and vague message, requesting that he call me, and hung up the phone, knowing I sounded completely timid but not caring at this juncture.
I lay down, curled up with my pillow and the letter, at this point I was unable to read it again, my vision blurry from the still flowing tears. I'd made a horrible mistake. Two horrible mistakes. I needed him to dry out and be coherent, but I knew I'd do anything to get him back to my old Lindsey. Though we were in no position to rekindle a romance, I still needed him to be okay. To get back to his old self. I needed it for Lane, but I also needed it for Lindsey.
I must have cried myself to sleep at some point. I woke up later to a ringing phone, almost startled at my surroundings. I was still fully clothed, and all of my lights remained on, Lindsey's letter still next to me in the bed. I glanced at the clock, 2:35am. I hopped up and grabbed the receiver, hoping Lane didn't wake up to the noise.
"Hello," I greeted the caller groggily.
"Um, Stevie? Hey, it's Richard..."
"Richard, what? It's the middle of the night." I rubbed my eyes. I'd always been a night owl so I couldn't blame him for calling but I knew my own little LB would be up in only a few hours.
"Look, Stevie, I'm sorry to call you like this but there's been an accident."
"What? Oh my God, what happened to him?" I was now wide awake.
"He was in a car accident. He's going to be okay, Stevie," Richard reassured me. "But I think you should come. I know he's going to want to see you. He was going on about you at the studio after you left."
I sniffed, "Okay. Yes. Where are you?"
He could obviously tell I was crying. "Cedars Siani. And Stevie, I need you to stay calm, okay? Are you alright to drive?"
I told him that I was, scribbling the room number on a piece of paper and immediately calling MaryAnn back. I owed her big time for the favors she'd been doing for me this week. She was over in a flash, reassuring me that it was no problem, before I ran out the door and hopped in my vehicle, racing to Lindsey.
As my car sped down the freeway in the dead of the night, I sang softly to myself.
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you...
