To say that this was completely against my better judgement would be an understatement. But in his defense, Lindsey had every right to be anxious to meet Lane. Tensions between the two of us had somewhat dissipated over the last few days and I saw the sincerity begin to appear in both his words and his actions. And I miss Lane more than I knew possible. I'd never been away from him this long.
We'd sat down and discussed it rationally. I let Lindsey know that he was my partner in this now, but that I hoped he'd take my lead to a certain extent. This was going to be overwhelming for Lane and I'm the only parent he's ever known. When it came to my baby boy I wasn't very good at relinquishing control.
At some point in the conversation I teared up. It was just an overwhelming situation- for so many years I didn't think I'd ever be in this situation. That I'd ever be able to rationally discuss these things with Lindsey.
"Whats wrong?" He was clearly confused as to my emotional outburst.
I shook my head. "Nothing. It's just- it's been really hard. I never wanted to do this without you. There have been so many times I've wished I had you in my corner. I'm happy and Lane is a great kid, and really, we're doing fine, but it's been a rough couple of years." I wiped my eyes.
"I'm all in for the two of you, Stevie. No matter what happens between us, I'm your partner in this and I'm here for our son. And you can turn to me when things get rough. You'll always have my shoulder when you cry. I'll never let go, never say goodbye. You know you can count on me- I'll be there. I know when I need it I can count on you. And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me, everyday I will remind you." He gave me a look that spoke depths, but I had to pry myself from the moment. I couldn't make myself that vulnerable. I couldn't put myself in that situation with Lane's impending arrival. There was too much at risk.
I looked at my hands, folded neatly into my lap, and closed my eyes, trying to keep my emotions in check. I changed the subject back to the logistics for this weekend, never making eye contact with him. I didn't mean to leave him hanging I was just- well I was very conflicted inside. I'd sworn that I'd just be friendly with him. I hadn't yet forgotten my previous heartbreak. I told him briefly that we can plan on a few hours here at the condo on Friday, and I'd pick up ice cream for a treat, leaving it at that and getting up to busy myself in the kitchen. The tension was becoming obvious once again.
Just when we'd had everything planned out for a few hours together at the end of the week life threw a wrench in the works. The phone at Lindsey's rang and MaryAnn told me that she had to leave town unexpectedly for a family emergency. And since Lindsey was in no shape to stay on his own that meant Lane was coming to us.
Lindsey was over the moon when I brought the idea to him, but I was worried he wasn't really aware of what he was getting himself into. MaryAnn was bringing Lane over in a few hours so I made a quick run to the grocery store for a few things and came back to tidy up around the house. Lindsey's place certainly wasn't child friendly.
"Do any of these doors lock," I asked Lindsey, shouting down the hall.
"Uhhh, no," he shook his head, confused by why I was so worried about all of this. "Calm down, Stevie, it'll be fine."
I shook my head. "It's a room or guitars and electronics. I think a lock would be best," I told him, moving a large decorative case to a higher spot.
"We can get a few things delivered," he offered. "Actually, there's a department store down the block. Could you take me?"
"For what?"
"I just want to buy a him a few things so he's not bored. I want him to feel at home here." The look in his eyes was so genuine. Even though I would have normally protested, I wasn't going to this time. Lindsey was nervous about this afternoon and it was a sweet gesture. Besides, he was probably going stir crazy in this condo. I sure was.
I glanced at the clock and sighed. "Fine. Throw a shirt on," I told him, handing him one from the drawer. But we have to be quick and Lindsey," I shot him a warning glance. "Don't go overboard."
He grinned, grabbing his wallet and I helped him down to the car. Once we were at the store I think Lindsey was just as excited as Lane would have been, picking out several items and placing them into the buggy.
"Easy there," I laughed as he selected a few more toys. "He's only three and a half, Lindsey. You're getting carried away. What you have is more than enough," I assured him, placing my hand gently on his back. "He will be thrilled. But mostly he will be happy just to be around you. I'm sure of it."
We walked towards the check out, Lindsey wanting to stop to pick out a small bed in home furnishings but I drew the line. "He will be fine sleeping with me or on the couch this week," I assured him.
Lindsey was tiring out easily as he was still only a few days post op, and I was beginning to worry. "Let's sit down," I told him, motioning to a bench.
"No," he shook his head. "Let's just get out of here as quickly as possible," he told me through gritted teeth.
"Are you okay? Oh, Lindsey, we should have never come, it's too much too soon."
"Calm down," he told me forcefully. "Let's just check out and go home." He leaned on the register but his brow was furrowed. I could tell he was in pain. He reached into his wallet and pulled out his American Express, handing it over without thought.
I told him I'd grab the car and pick him up at the door. He finally sat down, leaning his crutches to the side and moving around a bit, trying to get comfortable with his ribs. I hurried and loaded the bags into the trunk and pulled up. Lindsey was already surrounded by several woman who were chatting hurriedly to him. He glanced over at me, giving me a smirk, as he gathered his crutches and slowly got to his feet, the women continuing to fawn over him. I got out an walked over to help him.
"It was nice to meet all of you," he told them politely as he started to the car.
"Fans?" I questioned.
He nodded that I was correct, getting into the vehicle. "They like my work, it's flattering but it can be overwhelming. You know how I am. And I feel like I'm losing myself little by little."
"Lindsey, you always have me. Just like you said you'd be here for me, the same goes for you," I kept my eyes on the road, meaning what I said but trying to keep myself somewhat distanced from the situation. "If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea, I'll sail the world to find you. If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see, I'll be the light to guide you."
"Thanks, Stevie."
I could feel him staring at me, but I didn't know what to say.
"And," he continued. "You've reminded me how amazing you always have been. You've put your life on hold to help me this week. I know I keep saying it but I just- I appreciate it more than I could ever express."
"I guess we find out what we're made of when we are called to help our friends in need," I glanced at him and gave him a half smile. "And if you think that was a lot of attention, just wait until 3:30. You're about to meet your biggest fan." I reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. "And certainly our best collaboration."
I got Lindsey back to his condo and situated. He was suddenly exhausted from our little outing, though I could tell he didn't want to admit it. I placed the toys for Lane into the closet and helped Lindsey change into comfortable clothes. I know that he hated having to be assisted with every aspect of his daily life but it had to be done and it may as well be me. I won't lie though, I found myself accidentally checking out his body. Once he was situated I made him a sandwich and brought him a pain pill. He was going to need his rest and to be feeling his best- we were about to have a big afternoon.
