Only So Much.

Why?

Yay! More feels!  I just wanted to thank you guys for reading this, it means a lot to me.

I didn't change my name, what I wore, or who my friends were. I'm still me. Jason Todd. I guess I'm fourteen. My birthday must've passed while the Clown had me with him. I came so close, so scarily close to dying. I was scared. I am scared. Katie doesn't trust Bruce anymore. But we had to go back to the mansion with him, otherwise she would've taken me, I guarantee it.

That man-no, monster, the Joker, he haunts me. All the time, lurking in the shadows. Hiding in my nightmares and just about everywhere else. His voice, laughter and smile are enough to send me hiding by my sister's side.

But I'm not just scared, I'm mad. At Bruce, at the Joker, at Roy who gave up on me, but mostly Bruce. If Katie hadn't gotten me out, I'd be dead. What if it happened again? But then I couldn't get out in time? It could, and probably would, knowing the Joker. 

I think about all this, sitting on my bed. The curtains are closed, lights are off and door closed. Well, it was closed. Then Bruce took one step inside my room, hiding partly behind the door.

"Hey kiddo. You alright?" He was tentative and I knew he felt bad about not finding me. But how the heck am I supposed respond. I mean, I just got tortured by a psychotic clown and his girlfriend then  my sister comes and gets me. No I am not okay! 

"Yeah." I lied. 

"Jason."

I sighed.

"No, I'm not okay."

"Can I come in?"

"I guess."

He walked in and sat next to me, putting his hand on my arm. I flinched away involuntarily and his hand flew away.

"I'm sorry."

"That's not what I want to hear." In spite of everything, I was mad at him. It wasn't Bruce who found me, it was Katie. Not him. He just left me. Did he even try? Did he even care? How could he expect me to be alright when he couldn't even touch me without feeling guilty.

"Jason, I am sorry. I'm sorry I didn't find you. I'm sorry. About everything."

"I would've been dead right now Bruce! How can I even be sure it won't happen again?! What if next time, I don't get out?!" My eyes burned with unshed tears.

"You can't. I don't know, Katie doesn't-"

"Don't drag Katie into this! It has nothing to do with her! If she hadn't been there I would be dead!"

He sighed in defeat.

"I'll just go."

"Fine."

He stood and left. Admittedly, I felt a bit guilty. But everything I had said was true. Was Bruce still family? Was Katie in danger? Am I just crazy? The last question I was certain about. It's not like I try to snap at him, he just seems to get under my skin more often.

I bent forward, hugging my knees and holding my head in my hands. Something was wrong with me, and I needed to get it together.

Katie's POV

"I'm worried about him Dick. He never comes out."

"I know Katie. It's been hard for him."

I held my forehead, I was getting increasingly frustrated with everyone here. Bruce, Dick, Barbara. It just kept adding up, even the most trivial things. I'm so stressed out and I can't keep functioning like this.

"I know! I just want my brother back! I want him to be okay! I want him to get better, I need him too! It hasn't just been hard for him! I can't stand seeing him like that! What if it happens again!? What if I don't get there in time?! If he dies, it'll be my fault!"

"No it won't."

"Yes. It will. I'm his sister! I should be taking care of him!"

"You're doing the best you can Katie!"

I was about ready to scream, he didn't get it! I couldn't stand it anymore so I left him behind.

"I'm going to bed."

I flopped onto my bed, slammed my face into the pillow and groaned. Why couldn't things be simpler? Why was it always Jason and me? I just need a break. To not do anything or go on any missions for a while.

I kept thinking and thinking, these thoughts swirling around my mind relentlessly. My mind wouldn't let me sleep. After realizing that it just wasn't going to happen, I turned on my IPod and scrolled through my playlists before finding one I liked.

The music filled me up and washed away all my frustration, then I realized my little brother had picked these songs. Of course he had, what with all the FallOutBoy, Hollywood Undead,  and Panic! At The Disco. I snickered a bit at his choice of music, he really was one of a kind, and easily my little brother. I have nothing against those bands, in fact they made some of my favorite songs. It surprised me sometimes how similar we could be and then change to be polar opposites in the blink of an eye.

Jason's POV

I heard a knock at my door.

"Go away." It was meant to sound harsh, that obviously didn't happen. My voice cracked a bit, from me trying to sort my life out.

"Jay? Please, can I come in?" Of course I screwed up. Not Bruce, it was Katie. And why  was I not surprised.

I didn't respond, trying to pull myself together.

"Jay? You okay?"

Why did everyone keep asking me that?! I'm fine! That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

"Yeah, 'S Fine Kat." I said, wiping a stray tear from my face.

The door swung open for the second time in the last two days.

"Hi." My sister said, slightly awkward.

"Hey."

"Listen, um I know it's-"

"Yeah, it's tearing me apart Kat. But there's nothing you can do."

"Yes there is." She sat next to me. What was with this? First Bruce, now her. What next? Dick? Barbara? Alfred?

"I don't need-"

"Maybe you don't need to be with me, but I need to see you. To make sure you get better, that I can help you."

"There's no help for me."

"Don't say that, it's not true."

"Then what is?" I snapped.

"That you have a family. You have Barbara and Dick and Alfred and me. You have us, and we care about you. We want to be with you, we miss you. I want to see you with your friends and doing things. I want to be with you, I want to see you growing up and going on a date with a girl you love. I want you to be happy."

"I don't know if I can, Katie." 

"I'll help you."

"Can you? Can I even come back from this?"

"Not on your own. Please, let me back in Jason." She grabbed my hand gently.

"Help me." I whispered. "Please, show me."