Brutally Honest Reviews™

Crossfire

Word count: 1465

Title: Crossfire

Genre: Action

Blurb: Zedo is the definition of street rat. He dodges classes and thrives in the slums of the city. His life, however, changes when is best friend, Barc, comes back from military boot camp. Barc has a new found power and a new teacher, Mr. Zanterson, starts to get involved with the two of them. With the Military after them and a rebellion looming over their home, Zedo is forced to control his powers to protect himself and his friends who are all caught in the crossfire.

Status: Ongoing

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Starting Points: 30

Cover: Um.

I don't think I can fully trash this because it really looks like you attempted at making someone here, even though it isn't very professional looking...or good. But, it isn't terrible. No points will be taken off only because it look like you actually tried.

Summary: After reading this multiple times I've come to a conclusion that this isn't in the correct genre. It should be a fantasy, and not action. The fact that magic is involved already in the summary, made it hard to really understand how this was an action book. The summary isn't bad, but there are quite a few comma splices, run-on sentences, and sentences that need to be reworded. Also, the word "Military" shouldn't be capitalized, unless if it's the name for some place, which I doubt. I would go more in depth here, but you didn't ask for summary help.

-Any who, this was pretty decent, but nothing too great. It's doing its job fine enough, but I'm still taking off points for having so much mechanic issues. (-2)

Plot: Street rat. Powers. A generic and vague rebellion. A friend and his teacher. Crossfire.

Opening thoughts:

"I felt cold even pulling the blankets around me." Ehhhhh....?

-This is a weak opening line in my opinion. Not to mention that it reads a bit odd...is it only me? Yeah, the more I read it, the more I hate it. (-2)

-Okay, so the entire opening paragraph is boring exposition about the character not wanting to go to school. This is a cliche "MC wakes up" beginning basically. *Stares*

-After reading some more of this, it is clear that I'm bored. I'm bored of this story, of the characters, of the words on the screen, I'm bored of everything. My imaginary audience agrees with me too. Right guys?

*Audience snores*

*Stare into the camera*

Characters:

*Rubs temples*

-Um. So, the characters are "street rat" caricatures. They are already annoying and stale, yet I'm only a few paragraphs deep into the chapter.

-Zode, or Zed, or Zathura--I don't know-- is the run-of-the-mill adolescent teen in poverty, who isn't motivated, skips school on most days, and if they don't, they sleep in class. Oh, and fun fact! Zathura is the type of friend who acts like a second parent, and in this case he does it to his best friend Barckey Barc! How nice.

-Barckey Barc is six foot seven--yep, exact measurements!-- and loves to fight! Oh, this guy also beats up school cops. Wow. How nice.

-Pig. Ah, the school security guard who doesn't act like a security guard at all? Yep, he's here too! Except this one has adopted the role of the cliche school bully/patronizer instead. How nice.