suicide thought (Ponyboy)

First

  It's been so hectic these past weeks I forgot my own birthday.The first without Johnny and dally. I woke up at 9:30 to the sound of yelling and screaming not like bad yelling but fun yelling it was Twobit and Steve. I can never look at them the same after they showed me there wrists I break down everytime I may cut and its alright but it's not when my friends do or might I say friend since I'm not really friends with Steve that much.
It took all my strength that mornings to get out of the comfy bed and get dressed I didn't want to.But I did since it's my 15th birthday maybe now I'm not gonna be treated like some kid."Hey guys." I said as I walked out.All of what was left was there when they saw me they all jumped up to hug me but slowed down when they remembered I hate hugs."Hey ponyboy happy birthday." All greeted instead of a hug just the word birthday just made me sad I knew at some point k would break down today and it can't be now I won't let it.
    "We planned you a day." Steve said digging the left over cake from a couple days ago "first were all going to the movies them ..." I didn't let Steve finish I said "no" I didn't want to go anywhere it all reminded me of Johnny and some places dally.I took the smokes from my pocket and lit one blowing out a smoke ring "wow that was cool but cut back on the smoking would you kid." Darry said he sounds just like dally. At that point I just broke down ran to the bed room shut and locked the door banged my head on the door hard three things like books and clothes everywhere to calm down but nothing was working "pony you ok." A silent voice spoke it was soda outside the door.
   "No I'm not." I whimpered out in a slight whisper "can you unlock the door honey." "No just wanna be alone for a while maybe later." "Come on little buddy now." He sounded serious and he was.I got up from my spot on the floor and unlocked the door soda hesitated to open but soon did "Hey buddy you ok." I broke down more at his words crying a river "no no I'm really not soda I can't do this anymore." "Yes you can and you will I cant imagine a life without you." "It's my birthday the first without them." "I know buddy...I know."