Wildfire (A Katy Perry and John Mayer FanFiction)

I'm Gonna Be (Epilogue: Part I)

2015

It's been a year and a half since I saw John. And I hated saying that. I hated to know that I haven't seen him for that long. I missed his laugh and his arm around me when I slept. Sometimes I still wake up at night and think he's right next me, but when I look over it's just empty sheets.

I wanted to see him, and I wanted to hear his voice. But whenever I tried to call him or text him I would back out, thinking he wouldn't want to talk to me. I wondered if he did the same. I wondered if he laid in his bed at night and stared at the ceiling thinking about us like I did. And that was the hard part. I had no idea if he thought about me like I thought about him. I didn't know if he still wanted to be with me. This past year has been so hard without him and I would do fucking anything to be in his arms right now.

I feel like I've gone crazy. He was the glue that held me together. If I think the slightest bit about him I start crying. I've gone to multiple therapists, no one can help me. It's simply heartache. They tell me that I'm a strong woman and that I can go without him, but I can't. I can't bare to live my life like a normal person when all I can think about is him. His smile, his laugh, that weird space he has in his bottom row of teeth, everything. Every little detail of him is still in my head.

And the sad thing is, I can't help it. I can't help thinking of him all the time. I sound crazy but he was the love of my life. He was the one, and I knew that. I knew that I wanted to grow old with him.

After I told him everything and I thought we were on good terms things just went completely downhill. That wasn't his fault, it was our fault. Things got ugly between us and I never thought it would get to that point. I remember one night we just screamed at each other, for hours. Everything we said to each other still replays in my mind to this day. I hate thinking about it. I hate myself for some of the things I said to him. He didn't deserve any of it.

That's not how I wanted to treat him. I didn't want to treat anyone like that.

I never wanted to fight with him again. After the fight we realized that maybe we weren't the best for each other, and we went separate ways. I never wanted to go separate ways. I don't know if it broke him but I know that it completely ruined me. I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. I didn't want to do anything. I thought I wouldn't find anyone, and I haven't. I don't want anyone else because I'm committed to John. I promised to try and work the relationship out even at the worst of times. That's what I thought we'd do, but things just got so bad. I couldn't even look at my phone with out wanting to text him or look through my camera roll to see pictures of us. But I didn't want to delete anything. I didn't want to delete our text messages or the whole album of pictures we took together because that's the only way I can look back at our relationship. I still miss him. I still think of him. I still love him.

***

Today I was going to a wedding. God the last time I went to a wedding it was one for John's friend. I remember he sang that night and I stared up at him while I stood there in the crowd, falling oh so effortlessly in love with him as he smiled exquisitely down at me. That was the night I realized I truly loved him. There were no doubts about it. God if I could turn back time, I would want to relive that moment over and over and over again.

This wasn't just any wedding. It was for my friend Allison Williams, who I've been friends with for years. I was quite excited to attend
it. I always loved watching people live through such a big moment in their lives, but it did hit a sensitive spot in my heart.

You know what I mean... I always got emotional after my own personal wedding. That wasn't really my fault, everything just reminded me of him and the day in my life that will forever be in my mind. It was an amazing time in my life, it just didn't last long.