Demian - Hermann Hesse

The End Begins

I had persuaded my parents to allow me the summer semester in H. My friends and I now spent almost all ourtime in the garden by the river instead of the house. The Japanese, who had been duly beaten in the boxingmatch, had departed; the disciple of Tolstoi had gone, too. Demian kept a horse and went for long rides dayafter day. I was frequently alone with his mother. There were times when I was simply astonished howpeaceful my life had become.

I had so long been accustomed to being alone, to leading a life of self-denial, tobattling strenuously with my agonizing difficulties, that these months in H. Seemed to me altogether like amagic dream island on which I was allowed to lead a comfortable, enchanted existence among beautiful andagreeable surroundings. I had a presentiment that this was a foretaste of that new and higher community whichwe speculated about so much.

Yet at any moment this happiness could produce in me the deepest melancholy,for I knew very well that it could not last. It was not my lot to breathe fullness and comfort, I needed the spurof tormented haste. I felt that one day I would waken from these beloved images of beauty and stand, aloneagain, in the cold world where there was nothing for me but solitude and struggle--neither peace norrelaxation, no easy living together.

At those moments I would nestle with redoubled affection close to FrauEva, glad that my fate still bore these beautiful calm features. The summer weeks passed quickly anduneventfully, the semester was nearly over and it would soon be time for me to leave. I dared not think of it,but clung to each beautiful day as the butterfly clings to his honeyed flower. This had been my happy time,life's first fulfillment, my acceptance into this intimate, elect circle--what was to follow? I would battlethrough again, suffer the old longings, dream dreams, be alone.

One day foreboding came over me with suchforce that my love for Frau Eva suddenly flared up painful within me. My God, how soon I must leave here,see her no more, no longer hear her dear assured steps throughout the house, no longer find her flowers on mytable! And what had I achieved? I had dreamed, had luxuriated in dreams and contentment, instead of winningher, instead of struggling to clasp her forever to myself!

Everything she had told me about genuine love cameback to me, a hundred delicate admonitions, as many gentle enticements, promises perhaps--what had I madeof them? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! I went to the center of my room and stood still, endeavoring toconcentrate the whole of my consciousness on Frau Eva, summoning all the strength in my soul to let her feelmy love and draw her to me.

She must come, she must long for my embrace, my kiss must tremble insatiablyon her ripe lips. I stood and concentrated every energy until I could feel cold creeping up my fingers and toes.I felt strength radiating from me. For a few moments I felt something contract within me, something brightand cool which felt like a crystal in my heart--I knew it was my ego. The chill crept up to my chest. Relaxedfrom this terrible tension I felt that something was about to happen. I was mortally exhausted but I was readyto behold Eva step into the room, radiant and ecstatic. The clattering of hooves could be heard approachingalong the street. It sounded near and metallic, . Then suddenly stopped. I leaped to the window and sawDemian dismounting below. I ran down.

"What is it, Demian?" He paid no attention to my words. He wasvery pale and sweat poured down his cheeks. He tied the bridle of bis steaming horse to the garden fence andtook my arm and walked down the street with me.

"Have you heard about it?" I had heard nothing. Demiansqueezed my arm and turned his face toward me, with a strangely somber yet sympathetic look in his eyes.