Warning: Suicide, self-harm.
I apologise for the depressed chapter but I really needed to write this. Skip past it if you'd like, I don't mind. I wrote this for myself.
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My phone buzzed loudly beside me as I watched my blood drip down my wrists. I couldn't feel it and all I could think about was how much I needed somebody to hold me. "I love you...hold my ashes..." my phone sang quietly. I recognised the ringtone and instantly knew that Josh was calling me. Josh had been my boyfriend for over seven months and he already thought he knew me. I loved him more than anything but he didn't care for me. I knew he didn't. "I want to feel beautiful..." I continued to drag my razor blade across my wrists, practically begging to hit a vein and die. My skin had gone pale and my vision was beginning to blur. '(Y/n), if you don't open the door I'll break it down! You know I will!' I could hear Josh giggle happily from my front door. That must've been why he was texting and calling, so I'd let him in. I was perched on my cold bathroom tiles, every one of my appendages quivering. I took my last breath and listened as Josh kicked the front door open and skipped through the house looking for me. He finally stepped into the bathroom and immediately froze. '(Y-Y/n)? (Y/n)!' He shouted before I shut my eyes.
'...need to be taken care of until her mental health improves. She'll need some time to recover, however and it may take a week or so.'
'O-Okay...' I could hear footsteps exit the room before a hesitant sigh emanated from beside me. 'I'm so sorry...I can't believe I let this happen...it...I...I should've...I don't know...' The voice continued to speak. 'I know you never loved me but...I'll try harder when you wake up, I promise...'
I just watched as she stumbled through my apartment, taking in the sight of my clothes on the floor. She said nothing, only stumbling her way to the couch and flopping onto it. Her arm and leg hung off the side before I spoke. 'Would you...like to sleep in my bed and I'll sleep out here?' She said nothing. 'Did you want me to drag my mattress out here and we'll stay together?' Nothing. I decided to just take my mattresses from my bed and lay it in the lounge room so I could keep an eye on her. I still felt hollow, even after finding out she was okay. As I placed a large blanket and a pillow in the mattress, (Y/n) stood up and began to wander into the kitchen. '(Y/n)?' I followed her quickly. I stood right beside her as she searched my cupboards before plucking a knife from the third draw. I just watched as she lifted it up like a zombie. She raised it until the point was at her throat. By that point, I stepped in and ripped it from her grasp.
She still said nothing.
'Don't do that!' She looked as thought a part of her was missing. Words were sitting at the back of her mind but she had no motivation. She didn't care. I picked up all the knives in the kitchen and dumped them in my bedroom before locking the door so she couldn't get in. 'Come on...if you're going to worry me like this, the least you can do is let me take care of you.' I spoke, stepping back into the kitchen only to find that she was gone. My mind immediately wandered to the worst scenarios as I hurried into the lounge room only to find (Y/n) sitting on the mattress, her knees pressed against her chest. Her head was buried in her legs as sorrowful sobs escaped her lips. The tears in her eyes were seeping through her baggy pants and every bone in my body was begging me to ask what was wrong.
It was a stupid question, however.
She wouldn't speak a word to me.
'(Y/n), I'm sorry I let this happen...' I began, stepping onto the mattress and plopping myself down beside her. 'I should've paid more attention to you...I should've known you felt like this. I'm such an idiot for letting you do this to yourself...'
'N-No, Josh, I...' She finally spoke, her head drifting up from its place between her knees. 'I'm just an idiot...I know you don't actually care and I keep fooling myself into thinking you do. I keep trying to convince myself that someone out there actually gives a shit but they don't...The world doesn't care about me, nor do I care about it. Death seems much more inviting than a realm where people only pretend to love you...That day you asked me out was the best day of my life...I had never felt to useful in my life...but as time went on it just...slipped away...I remembered that no one truly cares about anyone else...'
'That isn't true at all!' I suddenly burst out, startling my fragile girlfriend. 'Why would I take care of you if I didn't love you? The moment I found you I felt like I was watching my other half wither away...Jesus Christ I'd die if anything happened to you...' I suddenly dragged her onto me, her bum sitting on my thigh. I nuzzled my forehead into the crook of her neck and let out a sorrowful breath. 'I love you...' She screwed her eyes shut, letting an unholy amount of tears drip off of her pained face. I hated seeing her cry, it just reminded me off a puppy. Her arms wrapped around me and her breath brushed against my neck.
'I-I'm so sorry!'
'It's okay, baby...I've got you...I'm never letting you go...' My fingertips dug into her sides, trapping her in my embrace. I was never going to let her slip away again.
Never.
