help

wondering

//this is a warning! this is triggering. please skip this chapter if you don't want to read sensitive material!!!//

have you ever wondered what it would be like to die?

not just slowly, but painfully and excruciatingly so. i wonder what it would be like to have my bones crushed beneath feeble skin and fragile veins blocked by cold metal.

sometimes I don't have to pretend as I hold my breath for minutes at a time, lungs contracting and collapsing beneath nostrils and water.

sometimes I go back to my memories and remember the almost crash of screeching metal and ears ringing through my empty skull.

sometimes I go back to the times of when I held a thin piece of sharp metal in between my fat fingertips to slice upon my skin. the marks faded and they always do. somehow I still see fade as my heart drops into my stomach with each droplet of blood.

sometimes I remember my lungs hyperventilating, expanding and expanding but never getting enough of the air I need. it's torturous in every sense, little black blocks clouding my vision with the alliance of tears.

but most of the time I wonder what it would be like to tie myself up in the closet. how my body would deteriorate because no one cares of my existence or of my wellbeing. Satan wouldn't want me and neither would our lord and savior.

I'm stuck in limbo day in and and day out, eyes off focus and shooting blanks at the same wall.

I want to die.